Faith

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This story comes from my response to a Chrysalis Journey team devotional in December 2004.

The topic of the devotional was there would be people attending the Journey (and our church services) who need to be loved. Sometimes showing love to others is as simple as giving someone a glass of tea or a cup of coffee. At other times, it could be as complex as listening as someone tells their life story and having it break your heart.

The pastor encouraged us to show love. He said that all of us who were there this morning had been chosen by God for a mission. We might not understand it, but part of the mission is to show love to someone.

I was in tears by the end of the devotional. The tears were caused by my frustration with myself. I often know what the "right" to do is, however, I let my fears rule my actions. I am afraid of allowing myself to be vunerable enough to show love. At times, I am afraid of being vunerable enough to allow myself to ask for help (showing that I need love at times). I bury these needs within myself and cry like a baby at times when all I need to do is ask someone for help.

I understand what my ministry in life is. It is to my family, the youth of my church and the employees in my business. I help in many ways, but there are times when I need to be vunerable and I simply cannot allow myself to do that. By doing this I am placing myself before God. I am not allowing him to use all of me to minister. I put God in a box.

I have said to people that faith means minimizing yourself and maximizing God. I am unable to carry out my own advice. This is an issue that I am wrestling with at this point in my life journey.

Maybe I am wrestling with God like Jacob did in Genesis 32:24-32 and things turned out OK for him. He did end up with a broken rib, but in the end he had a clear relationship with God. Let me be so lucky.

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