Healing

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INDECISIVE
(Copyright 2006. All rights reserved.)

Bruised from iniquities and seemingly
self-inflicted pain. So apparent, yet leaving
no visible stain.

Infiltrates every aspect so as to prohibit any
kind of tangible or intangible gain.

My heart demands that I escape today. For I
yearn to live, not rot away.

Yet yesterday beckons me back. Meticulously
roaring my name. However, upon visitation, I
recall only the stench of pain.

The circumstances seem so uncharacteristically
dreary. What is the real quandary I must portend
is my initial query.

The idealism of how it should be or the reality of
what is, what has been, and what in all probability
will be.

Images of freedom present themselves. Springing
forth from the recesses of my wells.

Abide in my secret shame and perish slowly of decay?

No. I exit to a place where I’d always envision my soul could dance and shout all day.

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The poem, Indecisive, was written as I attempted to grasp my feelings with regard to the events that were unfolding within my marriage at the time. I’d experienced an unfaithful spouse who was also mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me.

Like the Israelites in the book of Exodus, I had privately cried out to God for a number of years to remove me from my dismal situation and grant me rest as He promised me in the Bible. Unbeknownst to me at the time, God was not only removing me and my children out of a contaminated environment but He was also processing out the contamination (bitterness, resentment, anger, rage, unforgiveness, fear, rebellion, jealousy, rejection, etc.) we held within our hearts at the same time. I finally realized that God really does bless us, His children, exceedingly and abundantly above anything we could ask or even dare to image!

Nonetheless, upon being freed from my chains of captivity, I found myself perplexed emotionally. I rejoiced over the freedom that I’d began to experience. It was exceptionally delightful to my palate. I was terrified with the prospect of my being solely dependant upon God supernaturally for my survival. Imagine that! I believed that God would get me away from my abuser and He did. And now, was I doubting that He would sustain me and carry me into my destiny? Absolutely.

My Egyptian mind set understood exactly when and how my worldly affairs were going to be handled in the past. As I ponder other similar thoughts that assailed my mind, I began to wonder why I ever left at all … “I mean, it couldn’t have been that bad after all.” My recollection of the good ole days coupled with the worrisome trouble I was then facing seemed curiously daunting. Which was much more than I cared to even fathom at that time.

Although my spouse continues to taunt me with financial concerns, I am standing confidently and steadfastly in the name of the Lord God Most High. I invite you to journey with me as I continue to press through toward the mark of my higher calling in Christ Jesus. Come into “The Garden” as we seek the Father together as one. “I need you and you need me. We all are apart of God’s body.” Remember … God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. To give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). This is one of my confessions of faith upon which I stand? What are you standing on? What comprises the very essence of your foundation in Christ? If you don’t stand for or on something, then you’ll fall for or on anything.

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