Healing
The Power of Hope
(for those who are not yet free)
None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the
hope of freedom to those who are not free.
~Pearl S. Buck
I don't recall the exact moment or even day when I stepped on the path to freedom.
Because of the Lord's sovereignty, I suspect that many different things happened, seen
and unseen, in many different ways, which led ultimately to Freedom. I recall, David,
my counselor, telling me that I had lived in the box for all these years and now it's time
for me to live outside of the box. I recall being fascinated by this statement, but not
really understanding the implications of living outside of the box.
"When you see the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God...you are to move out from
your positions and follow it. Then you will know which way to go, since you have never
been this way before."
~Joshua 3:2-4
The last nine months have been truly incredible. Walking the path of healing, which
leads to freedom, is a very unfamiliar and scary place to be at times. I learned though,
with each fearful step, that indeed, God's grace is sufficient, and He will show you which
way to go. There were times that I thought I couldn't, and He told me I could. There
were times I thought I shouldn't, and He told me I should. For anyone who's never been
enslaved in chains and struggling to break free, imagine with me for a moment. Picture
that every time you get behind the wheel of your car, you know there's going to be an
accident on your way to your destination. The accident has been arranged just for you.
Wouldn't you try and avoid it all costs? Well, you learn eventually, that going through
the accident is better than the alternative of staying home. And in the case of those of us
who want to be set free, the option of risking the unknown, at some point is better than
staying where you are. There is a choice that one can make that ensures safety. Each
time you get into your car, you give Jesus the wheel. You trust He'll get you through.
Likewise, each time those of us on the healing path take another step, we trust Jesus to
move us a little closer to freedom. Have you ever experienced a tragedy in your life or
know someone who has? To step on the path of healing is like reliving that tragedy day
in and day out, over and over, each day of your life. Little things, seemingly unimportant
things to others, will remind you of what happened to you in your past. It's a seemingly
hellish path to venture upon.
When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long
time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
I remember just before going to my counselor's, when the Lord asked me over and over,
"Do you want to get well?" For anyone who's free, it most likely sounds like a very
simple answer. For anyone who's not, it's a very scary proposition. I knew I wanted to
be well for a long time. I read books, shared with others who had been abused, shared
my testimony with teens, but there was something that prevented me from stepping onto
the last leg of the journey to freedom. That something was fear. I feared all sorts of
things. I feared trying to get well. I feared not being ever being well. I feared people. I
feared heights. I feared anything and everything that would throw my mind back to my
childhood. I did everything I knew to do, but I withheld one thing-Surrender. I refused
to surrender my heart, my mind, and my body, to the Lord. I guess you could say I tried
to get healed on my own terms and in my own way. I kept pain at an arm's length. I've
since learned without pain and suffering, there is no healing. When you've been abused
for years, as I had, you develop coping strategies and build walls of protection. If the
Lord is not the Lord of your life, and you don't do something to cope, you'll most likely
die. Perhaps not a physical death, but a death all the same. When I finally answered the
Lord after many times of Him asking, I finally said, "Yes, Lord, I want to get well."
Since then, I've come to learn there are many times along the path of healing when you
stand at a cliff's edge. There always comes a point of decision when you realize you have
to choose. Will you jump, and trust Jesus, or will you remain where you are. For me, it
was scarier to remain where I was than to go forward. So, little by little, step-by-step,
memory-by-memory, I jumped, and the Lord started walking me through.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, though art with me."
~Psalm 23:4
This was the point when I felt as though day after day, I was asked to revisit the hell of
my childhood. It's really nothing I hadn't done hundreds, maybe thousands of times
before in my own mind, in my own dreams, but this time, I suspected it might be
different. I remember my first several counseling sessions with David. I would cry
through most of the session and then sob the whole way home. The Lord would use this
time of brokenness each week to teach me something new. For anyone who's never been
through the healing process, the best way to describe it is this. Imagine you are asked to
face your biggest fear every day until you no longer fear it...maybe it's spiders, maybe it's
mice, or maybe it's something of a larger magnitude like the death of a loved one. Every
day you relive it. That's what it's like to face demons of abuse.
Know the truth and the truth will set you free... So if the Son sets you free, you will be
free indeed.
~John 8:32 and 8:36
The most amazing and glorious part of all of this was how each time I left David's,
though I was sobbing and broken, I knew the Lord was holding me, leading me forward.
If I didn't believe that, I would have left and never gone back to David's, maybe never
gone back to a counselor. There was a crack of light that I could see each time I drove
away from his house. That crack of light was Hope. It would get bigger and bigger with
each new revelation. All I could do sometimes was look toward the light and trust. Trust
there were brighter days ahead. With each chisel mark in the many many walls I erected,
with each crumble of stone from the walls, the Lord revealed Truth. Truth about the past.
Truth about the present. Truth about the future. Truth about who I am. Truth about who
I'm not. And, most importantly of all, He revealed truth about Himself.
"...for he is a liar and the father of all lies."
~John 8:44
When you believe lies about yourself for nearly 30 years, it's very difficult to discern
what truth is. When I first started going to David's, I would take my bible with me every
time. I didn't trust David, or anyone else for that matter. My bible is the only thing I
trusted. I would take my bible, and I knew the truth would be revealed if David were
trying to feed me lies. One day, David asked me why I took my bible. I was a bit
annoyed at the question, but it convicted me. My bible was the place I found truth, and I
carried it for protection. I realized I carried it because like everyone else, I didn't even
fully trust God. I put my trust in the physical presence of my bible more than I did God's
living word. More and more, I started trusting God, and little by little, I started trusting
David. I no longer took my bible into our sessions, but I would take it along and leave it
in the car "just in case". Eventually, I knew God was with me and His word was hidden
in my heart, whether my bible was in my hands or not, and I no longer felt the need to
take it along. I actually ended up giving my bible away at one point. Something I never
thought I'd do. I got another bible and learned that God is the same in that bible as He
was in the one I held so dearly. He's the same, whether my thoughts and feelings waver
or not. Finally, there came a point in time when I sensed that God was about to unlock
those last few padlocks and unravel those last few chains.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways."
~Isaiah 55:8
Sometimes you have a picture in your head of exactly how things are going to happen
and suddenly the Lord throws you a curveball. On the last leg of the journey, the Lord
started speaking to me of surrendering one particular friendship. I didn't understand how
to surrender this friendship. I really didn't. God was beckoning me to trust Him-wholly.
So, with the Lord's beckoning and David's encouragement, I did. I have to tell you,
initially when the Lord and David started speaking of surrendering, I didn't think I would.
I didn't think I could. This woman had become a dear friend and was more like a family
member than a friend. I had a lot of fear of abandonment from my childhood and my
friend did, too. So, I knew this was going to be very difficult. I certainly didn't want to
be the one to throw either of us into those familiar feelings of the fear of abandonment.
But-the Lord is faithful. He showed me how. David and Lord told me it was time for me
to "Get Strong". I didn't understand it. But I did it. I don't even really remember the
exact words of our conversation. I just remember I was shaking, and it felt like my heart
was breaking in two. I think that's what most likely happens to anyone who's asked to
surrender anything you care about or anyone you love. Since this time, I've learned
reliance on God, above men. I trust that when the time is right, God will bring us
together again in a beautiful way. I'm sure I have a lot of learning to do in the area of
trusting God above men, but I'm ready to walk, fully surrendered to the Lord.
"Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
~2 Corinthians 3:17
Two weeks ago, during my devotional time, God threw open the last lock and unraveled
the last chain of the box. The Lord opened my eyes to the reality of fear. Fear, in reality,
is the absence of faith. You must choose which will lead-Faith or Fear. The Lord
showed me He is worthy of my trust. He showed me there might be times I feel afraid,
but whatever it is, I do it afraid and not trust my feelings. I trust Him to uphold me and
carry me through. As my pastor says, "don't fear it, faith it."
"I carried you on eagle's wings and brought you to myself."
~Exodus 19:4
The Lord has enabled me, as He did Peter, to get out of the boat. He is now asking me to
be a water walker. When He calls and beckons me to come, I intend to go fully
surrendered to Him. As their mothers push eaglets from the nest in a seemingly horrific
act, so the Lord pushed me. The mother and the Lord have the same purpose...to see their
children soar. There were times when I thought for sure I would plummet to my death,
but each time He held me. He overshadowed me with His wings.
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like
eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
~Isaiah 40:31
I'm learning day by day to open my wings just a little further and soar a little higher.
The Lord has promised, good to me
His word, my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures...
My chains are gone,
I've been set free.
My God, my savior,
Has ransomed me.
And like a flood,
His mercy rains,
Unending love,
Amazing Grace!
(excerpt from hymn, "Amazing Grace" (John Newton)
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