The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 744 times
Member Comments
Cute premise with lots of humor. I found the long paragraphs made me want to skim, searching for the punch line. A little trimming often goes a long way Loved the conversational feel.
Fun but interesting from the MC perspective. A few more breaks might help the flow, but overall good job.
The end made me giggle. In agreement with the previous commentor, some tightening up will really push this over the top.

Great take on topic.
Great story...made me laugh! :) I think it would be good with some more breaks in the paragraphs, but I liked the details you put in with the refrigerator story.
Really great story-telling: I really SAW that mess in the kitchen, and definitely felt for that poor guy!
I loved it hillarious!
I agree you might break it up a bit, but what a great use of topic. You can spin a yarn!
Fun read! I agree the the other comments, I have to work on the same thing, I want to cram too much in, I also struggle with the tell/show.
I love the light-hearted humor! I think my favorite part was where he was thinking back to his first use of the phrase. Quote: "Son was exploring his surroundings. Son finds a large, heavy glass candy dish on coffee table. Son decides to awaken sleeping father by dropping large, heavy glass candy dish in the middle of father’s forehead." That cracked me up! Great wrap-up too!
Great story-telling voice - and a story full of smiles (except for Daddy, of course).
This was a lot of fun to read! Well done.
I like the story very much! The MC must have an Owie full of pain getting stuck in the chimney with mommy squirrel biting! Great sense of humor. LoL. (",)
Very funny! Congratulations on placing in your level! Have you checked out the Writing Challenge forums?