The Official Writing Challenge
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I am not knowledgeable enough about critiquing the writings of others, however I did notice what I myself have been told to watch out for.

You might be careful to separate your paragraphs with a space or two so they don't run together.

Also, you are missing some commas in various places that would make the read flow better.

Jonah's story is always an interesting read.
I liked how you connected Jonah's three day underwater trip to Jesus' three day/night stay in the grave.

Your piece was nicely written. The only thing I might say or question is "which version or translation uses the word 'whale' instead of fish".If there is any inconsistency in a story and the Bible counterpart; some people may reject the Bible as well as the story.

Keep you eyes in his word just to make sure.
10/16/17
You had some very well written sentences and good using a well known story.

Where is Waldo came to my mind when I saw your formatting. Put white spaces between paragraphs or you will lose your audience.

It seems like such a minor detail, but it is laborious to read without those breaks. Hope that helps.

Good job and keep the stories coming. God bless
10/19/17
Congratulations on your 2nd place finish in the Intermediate category, Rebecca.