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TITLE: Troubled Waters | Previous Challenge Entry
By Becca Gossman
08/04/08
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TROUBLED WATERS

“Like a bridge over troubled waters…” the stanza ran through my mind over and over again. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I could hear the doctor say, “we took all we could, but we’re not sure we got it all. All we can do is hope for the best. Of course, we’ll try the chemo and radiation treatments and see.” I faded out again as I realized what lay in store for me in the days ahead.

Each day I lingered over towards the bridge as the morphine drip sent me between reality and those clouded thoughts of obscurity and certainty. Was it real, that beautiful existence on the other side, just as I had always imagined it would be? Daily as the pain began to secede and reality began to set in tears would flow down my cheeks. I knew that, I myself had to have some sense of hope beyond the despair I felt was inevitable.

Could I hang on? Could I stand strong and be the wife, the mother I wanted to be, when in reality I wanted to go home? I wanted to cross the bridge between heaven and earth. I wanted to go see Jesus. I wanted to see Eric, Daddy and all those who had crossed that bridge before me.

Three months later, the tests still showed the cancer cells multiplying and the count climbed higher despite the stomach-retching and the weakness that settled in from the medical treatments.

The doctor put me back on the morphine drip to help ease the pain. I lingered closer to the bridge that crossed to the other side. A year earlier Caylee Rae had been horribly sick and in the hospital and I begged her as she slept not to leave me, “Please baby girl, please don’t go, I need you. If you die, I die.” And now I heard “Mommy, please, Mommy! I need you, please don’t go,” I heard Caylee beg, “If you die, I die.”

I heard as my husband would pray and beg God to heal my broken body. And I’d see the other side; just a touch of glory would fill my mind giving me a taste of what was other there on that other side. Beautiful, glorious relief -- release from my tortured self. Eric was on the side calling, “Please, Mommy, please come over. Cross the bridge so we can be together again.” Torn, I was torn knowing that inevitably I would not make the final decision.

The days passed and calm began to fill my soul. I felt the time was close at hand for the decision to be made, and I was at peace about it. “I believe we can take off the drip now,” the doctor began, “I’m seeing progress, the reports are much better.” And, as the final drops of morphine were released I stood at the bridge and blew him a kiss, “I’ll be home soon, baby, you wait for me.” I waved good-bye and turned my head to see the biggest and brightest smile come across Caylee’s face, “Mommy, it’s me; you’re going to be okay. We made it.”

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