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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Willingness (02/21/05)
Lord, it's taken me a long time to be willing to follow you. My life was a mess in so many ways. People here saying I'm only fooling myself that I shouldn't have any hope for change. Yet, today, for the first time I am full of sunshine. That's not easy being here in prison, but I guess you know all about that. Unlike most of the folks here, you really were innocent of the crimes they charged you with. But God, I'm not as strong as you. I did so many terrible things in my youth, things I can never take back. I've hurt so many people that I wouldn't know where to begin to atone.

I know at first the prison ministry irritated me. Then you gave me that christian brother in the work out room. Man, he got on my nerves with that cheerful attitude each day! Finally one day I asked him if he was so self righteous how did he end up in prison! Naturally he said he didn't do what they charged him with but it didn't matter because he had done so much sin in his life that prison was the only place left to sort it all out. God knew he had to get his full attention before it was too late. Man, that really hit me hard.

So here I sit finally understanding your love for me and I am so willing, finally, to get my life right. But I'm so scared. I can survive prison, 6 months will go quickly after waiting ten years. But Lord, who out there is going to be "willing"? Willing to give me a job, give me a chance to learn a decent skill--the world has passed me up! And what woman, especially a decent christian woman is going to be willing to have anything to do with the likes of me and my past? How will she ever trust me? It was a horrible crime and how will the world accept I've changed? The prison ministry says to find a church. Yeah, like that is going to be easy! I don't even known how to find a denomination much less a church! They say get involved in the church and you will meet people! Like they are really going to be willing to let me help in the youth group! Yet, God that's where I want to serve. I want to help the ones I see being left out or are angry. 'Cause I understand that! But who is going to be willing to let me serve?

Will I get discouraged and go back to my ways if help doesn't come? I mean, the brother says that your way isn't always easy or fast. I have to learn to wait upon you for answers even if it takes longer than I can stand! How do I get just one christian friend? Not someone who prays and leaves me, I need someone to stand beside me and talk and visit. I'm so lonely for a real friend. But who is going to be willing to listen to me day after day? I don't think I could stand it if they came and got my hopes up and then split.

I'm so willing to try Lord, but I'm so afraid no one is going to be willing to try with me. I'm scared. I'm 42 years old. I don't know how to begin again. Please Lord, don't leave me, let your voice inside of me be loud and strong! Please be willing Lord to send a few of those angels you talk about in the bible. Control my will Lord when I get weak.

Okay, I don't know about the future. I don't know what tests you have in store for me. But that's okay, my buddy here says to keep writing till he gets out and he will encourage me. Courage from prison has been going around since Jesus's time he said. Seems funny that the only person willing to stand beside me is someone on the inside though....But I'm willing to give it a try!

Just hang tight to me Lord till I get the hang of freedom again. I can do this...I'm willing it to happen!
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This article has been read 1458 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Theresa Veach
03/02/05
Powerful! Everyone is a sinner and none of us deserve any of the blessings we recieve every day. But I do know this, as far down as we can get is as far up we can go in His Victory! He turns our trash into treasure and we "Christians" need to fully realize and be willing to accept all of us who have plenty of trash to be used by our Lord! Thanks!
Corinne Smelker 
03/05/05
just read - it is powerful, and well-written. I think you really nailed how prisoners leaving the system really feel - well done.
Sally Hanan
03/10/05
Very well written Donna, you follow through well with her thought process.
Nancy Hardy
03/10/05
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Donna,


A step inside a prison has been done numerous times and in various ways, >i>but never have I read a more powerful story from the POV of the prisoner. How well this real-life thought pattern can be paralleled to that of a new Christian; recently freed from impact of sin on his life.


Excellent craftsmanship of both word and content. - Nancy
Tom Show
05/10/05
Wonderful flow to the story and the grace it shows the reader.