Jan's Poetry Class: Haiku

[glorybee]

sunset on water
rainbow colors fill my eyes
a kaleidoscope

Very nice, Cat! I really like it when the last line is just one or two words, likes yours and phee's. This is such a pretty word picture!

[glorybee]

Sunlight on water
Sparkles across a puddle.
Serendipity

Perfect, phee! You've got the syllables down pat, and I really like that your poem makes the reader think: what does that image have to do with serendipity?

Funny that you and Cat wrote about the same image!

[glorybee]

Leg over saddle
Soul freed from earthly tethers
Eden’s air I breath

Love the mood of this poem--very "wind in the face-ish".

Can you see yourself using this in the challenge somehow?

[Esther]

I am definetely not a poetry writer, so this is a big challenge for me. Here's my attempt.

Daisy's everywhere
Green grass, growing very tall
Spring is in the air

[kahoosbt]

Great class! Poetry is definitely a "stretch" for me--but something I've wanted to learn more about. And stretching is good!

Mine's a little different...not necessarily "sweet" as many turn out to be, but hopefully interesting! --About "someone" I've been watching and taking photos of on dewy mornings...

Patiently he waits
For his web to jump and dance.
He cocoons his prey.

Also a question--how should haiku be punctuated? Did I do it correctly, above? If not, how should it have been done?

This was fun! I might try another later if I get a chance.

Shelley

[glorybee]

Daisy's everywhere
Green grass, growing very tall
Spring is in the air

Esther, this is a really nice first attempt! You followed all of the haiku rules. (That first word should be "Daisies", though...no apostrophe.)

I encourage you to write another one, now, and to try for an unexpected image. Daisies, green grass, spring...those are pretty common. What if you'd written this:

Daisies everywhere
Green grass, growing very tall
Desert oasis

See what I mean? The first two lines suggest one image, and then the third completes the picture in an unexpected way.

Just encouraging you (and everyone) to think beyond the ordinary!

[glorybee]

Patiently he waits
For his web to jump and dance.
He cocoons his prey.

Also a question--how should haiku be punctuated? Did I do it correctly, above? If not, how should it have been done?

'

Shelley, this is excellent! I love that you didn't use the word "spider" at all--you let the poem tell us who your subject is. And using the word "cocoons" as a verb is perfect.

Punctuation is optional in a haiku--or you can use it as you did above, to tell your reader when to pause or to stop. It's totally up to you.

[swfdoc1]

As always, I really hope to get additional insights from you. What have I missed? What comments do you have about haiku? What questions do you have? Let’s talk.[/b]

Here are a few things that I try to do with serious haiku. The reference to seasons can be tricky if I am not doing a strictly nature theme, but I include it somehow and it usually forces me to produce a haiku truer to the form in a second way: One of the “requirements” of a traditional haiku is that all the language be objective. This is a key distinction between a haiku and a tanka which allows subjective words (and which I noticed you will cover later). Because I can only state or describe my season word (and because, as far as I know, it "can’t" be the name of a season), I have to consider what my reader will draw from my season word and how I can relate that to my main thought.

Also, I always try to use the “cut” technique. By the way, the cut, cut word, or turn is a technique common to several of the forms you have on your list and I find that incorporating that technique really stretched me in those forms. I think that is what you were describing with the “bit of a punch at the end.” My approach to the cut tends to be (I think) more traditional. It can come at the end of the first line or second line and the relationship between the two “parts” of the haiku has been described nicely as juxtaposition, although it has been described many other ways, too. I understand that the cut word can come at the end of the third line, too, creating a “circular” image, but I haven’t tried that.

So, how does this play out?

Well, let’s say my initial idea is to juxtapose the joy of a mother at the birth of a child with the later agony the mother feels as the child reaches the teen aged years and makes life miserable for the mother. (Since I know there is supposed to be a cut, I always think of juxtaposition at the git go.) So maybe I write:

Joy of mother’s heart:
Child born, soft, cooing, nursing.
Teen, disobeys, mocks.

So I notice that I have subjective language: “Joy of mother’s heart” and I change it to something objective (i.e., something I can observe):

A new mother’s smile:
Child born, soft, cooing, nursing.
Teen, disobeys, mocks.

OK, but I have no season word, so I try this:

Rose blooms; child is born.
Mother smiles; child coos, nurses.
Rose fades; teen rebels.

Of course, I’m not sure traditional haiku allowed for 2 events (or is this 4?). Perhaps it all had to be based on one observation. I don’t think I can do that with this one, but I can make it less blatant:

Rose blooms; child is born.
Mother smiles; child coos, nurses.
Rose fades, petals drop.

Now, something interesting has happened. The fading rose could still “represent” teenage rebellion, but it could represent many other things: post-partum blues, the daily drudgery of feedings and diaper changings, the terrible twos. But I think this returns more to the original haiku paradigm of an observation of nature followed by an “ah-ha” moment. If we imagine that the mother observes the rose blooming and fading, her “ah-ha” moment is that she realizes that somehow, some way the glory of the moment will fade, and from her vantage point, she probably can’t guess more than that. I think it works with an outside observer, too, who sees the rose and the mother—perhaps an older woman who knows what’s ahead. Therefore (despite using the word “represent” above), I think this is different than using the rose strictly as a metaphor, which haiku usually avoids.

The real problem with this/these haiku is that they are made up. Real (traditional and many non-traditional) haiku are supposed to be based on real observations. I know we are all just doing homework, but I think doing haiku based on real observations would open whole new dimensions to the form.

Anyway, I did the same type of thing as above in my haiku in Variations on a Theme (Cyclical or Not): Summer

So, since I did the first part of the homework, I guess, I get to do a less serious one. This is one I thought of a few months ago (end of July) when Deb Porter wrote the following in response to a question about word count for the challenge (sorry Deb!):

(although a 50 word haiku with a 100 word footnote won't go down well).

Here it is:

Fifty word haiku?
Eleven I have put here,
Thirty-nine in thought.

[Symphonic]

I've been out of town a few days, and I'm so glad to see that the Master Class is back... even if it is about poetry this time! This really is going to be a stretch for me, but it'll be fun to try, anyway.

Okay, here's my first attempt. I think it follows all the rules... maybe...

Dull gray rainy days
do not inspire one to write
on the topic "RED"


Carol S.

[violin4jesus]

Darn it....I was playing with that last line and I forgot to do a final count!

I'll try to bring it into line with the stuff that Steve said....

Cold, crisp morning dawns.
Tea clutched tightly in one's hand
Warms October day.

[Esther]

Here's my second attempt.


Orange ball of fluff
Purring, rubbing round my legs
All you want is food

[yvonne]

Wow, Steve!


I haven't done HAIKU since I was in 4th grade. It's not as easy as it looks!

Flaming orange and red
Exploding with a final bang
Goodbye, farewell, gone.


Vonnie

[joyfaire]

I'm enjoying everyones poem and having fun with the challenge. Here's my second attempt...

yearn to sing praises
in love to Majestic One
inclined at His feet

[yvonne]

I've noticed that even though we all have the same number of syllables, each person has their own style or flow to their poems. Using different sounds (conassonce and assononce (sp?)...smile) We can create different moods.

Let me try a different mood:

Crashing, roaring spray
Dark angry depths churn upward,
Forward, marching on.

Vonnie

[Pat]

Never tried this form before but the challenge is irresistible!


Patchwork paints window.
Dawn lights upon feathered down.
Toes wake, wiggle, warm.

My very first!

And I have no clue if it worked. lol

I think I have my syllables correct though.