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Topic: Reward (09/27/04)
TITLE: World Wide Shortage!!
By Corinne Smelker
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Writers around the world received news today that the shortage of periods is not yet over, although the end might be in sight, which is a huge relief to writers, publishers and newspaper reporters from all corners of the globe who were frantically asking, “What are we going to do?” “When will this end?” And, “Won’t this cause a shortage of commas, question marks and exclamation points?”
“We have looked into it,” said the official spokesperson for the International Coalition For Equity In Punctuation, “And apparently until such time as people accord the period — or full stop as it is also known — with the respect that it feels it is due, the embargo will continue; however, we are pleased to announce that we have a full range of other punctuation so please, won’t you come and have a look?”
Hans Dansginer of Kleintjie Germany has complained, “Mein Gott, I have a sentence that is fifty four pages long, and it is running off the printer to the floor and is threatening to engulf my room! I am offering a reward of 50,000 Deutche Mark to the first person who can find the secret hiding place of the period, please! I will need at least two periods to kill this one sentence off!”
The Federal Alliance of Resourceful Teachers (FART) has come up with a solid solution to this rather sticky problem, “We found a stash of ellipsis that no one was using, and used them instead, they work great, and best of all, they work for free!”
However, the International House Of Punctuators (IHOP) issued the following statement: Use of the ellipsis is completely and utterly illegal, because an ellipsis is not just three periods lumped together, and should never be separated, and that is all we’ve have to say about that!
The Middle East countries have offered to help, as they currently have a surplus of backward periods, and we have taken them up on their offer but the question remains; when will this embargo end? .backwards them insert you if even things tricky are periods Because
Reports are coming in from writers of all languages, offering huge rewards to any stray periods who would like a wonderful, new home, so please, periods of the world, take pity on us, and stop this foolishness now, and we promise faithfully we will give you the recognition due you, and your elevated status!
In tribute to a very funny man, Steve Martin