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Topic: Water (04/26/04)
TITLE: “Be Damned and Drown” says Noah
By Melanie Kerr
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Zoologists have been gathering and exchanging ideas about what these animals are and where they have come from. Animal rights campaigners have been picketing the doorway of the Ark and trying to prevent business as usual for Noah and his family. It would appear that the last pair of animals, presently unidentified boarded early this morning.
Noah made one last passionate plea to the world to repent. His message remains the same that God is going to put an end to all people. Their wickedness has defiled the earth. A flood will destroy everything.
At six o’clock this morning we witnessed Noah’s sons and their wives arrive at the ark with a number of suitcases. It would appear that only his immediate family has taken him seriously.
Approximately thirty minutes later the door to the ark was closed. There seems to be no clear account of who closed the door. We spoke to one man who had a grandstand view. He told us, “There was a huge hand. It came out of the clouds. It slammed the door shut. Another man told us, “I wasn’t watching the door. I was looking up at the sky. Are those clouds?” Attention has been focussed on the sky that has become increasingly overcast during the last few hours.
Back at the Ark, we have just received reports of two more animals. They have not yet been identified. They are somewhat similar to horses, white in colour and have a distinguishing single horn in the centre of their foreheads. Despite some vigorous knocking with their horns on the door they have been refused admittance. From our earlier reports on the building of the Ark, we know there is no door handle on the inside. We believe that Noah has no way of letting these animals in.
Noah has been inside the ark now for six hours. The crowds gathered outside the ark have been maintaining a party atmosphere. Sasha Distel earlier took to the platform for an impromptu rendition of “Raindrops keep falling on my head.” Local salesmen have set up some stalls. Despite the scepticism, umbrellas and rubber boots have been selling well. The local bookmaker has stopped taking bets on whether Noah’s ark will actually float.
Earlier on this morning we spoke to our religious advisor and morality expert. We asked him whether a loving God, would or could destroy the world, he, she or it created. He had this to say.
“We have long believed that our God, out of an act of love created the world and the people in it. When Adam and Eve, all those generations ago disobeyed a command from God, I firmly believe that they set into motion a series of events that has led to this moment. We are all aware of the increasing level of corruption and wickedness that we witness daily. Some would like to think that we have improved over the last hundred years, but we have to be realistic. Is it an act of love to watch and do nothing while mankind pours out violence of very kind? I am inclined to agree with Noah that it is in the heart of man to conceive wickedness. God can certainly destroy the world. He is omnipotent. But a flood the size of Noah’s imagining would destroy everything. I refuse to believe that Noah is the only righteous person around and has the monopoly on salvation. There must be more people worth saving that just Noah and his family. A flood seems a bit drastic. Surely not everyone can be that bad. God in his infinite wisdom must have alternatives.”
We head back to the Ark. There have been reports of heavy rainfall. Is this the beginning of Noah’s flood?