Yearning for Affection | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: Yearning for Affection | Previous Challenge Entry
By Barbara Culler
01/15/20
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Mother peered over my shoulder as I reluctantly stepped onto the old-fashioned bathroom scale. Inhaling deeply, I watched the dial indicator waver before coming to a stand-still at the 100 pound mark. Exhaling in defeat as I backed off the appliance, Mother unexpectedly smacked me on the rear end while declaring:

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself!” I was 11 years old.

I carried that curse of shame throughout adolescence and into adulthood. In my impressionable mind, body shame translated to worthlessness. In addition to being overweight, I had facial acne that further compounded the low self esteem. My parents did nothing to dispel my ideation that I was fat, ugly and unlovable. It was my interpretation that I would never be good enough to attain parental approval until I could transform into the cute little girl they desired.

Mother, herself, was trim and attractive, but not demonstrative of love. Only when I was much older did I understand that she was caught up in her own depression and insecurities. Father was cheerful, outgoing and obese. Although a professional chef by trade, he did not prepare the family meals, for he was away on the job more often than at home.

Both parents were products of the Great Depression, and it was ingrained in them to not waste food. Consequently, I had no control over the meals I consumed, for they were served directly onto my plate. I was forced to eat it all, whether or not I was full or disliked a certain item.

If I did not comply, or dawdled too long, there were consequences. For example, when in the second grade, I was late for school because I did not want to eat the hot breakfast cereal placed before me. I detested the maple-flavored gruel, but had to gag down every single spoonful. To this day, I’ve not touched the vile clump of slop.

As a result of eating past fullness, my body learned to ignore the this-is-enough sensation, and I continued to overeat. Calorie-reduced diets became a way of life, yet weight loss was never permanent. Food was my comfort when stressed or in emotional pain. I longed for affection, but felt undeserving, so compensated by overeating.

Gradually I learned to let God fill that hunger for love by becoming more centered in His will. Unlike humans, God does not disparage His children or judge on appearances, but loves unconditionally. In Christ, there is no shame.

My parents may have contributed to my childhood obesity, but I’m responsible for being a chunky adult. Controlling my weight remains an on-going battle, because I sometimes resort to seeking solace in food. When not cuddling with chocolate or snuggling with ice cream, I’m undergoing a malfunctioning fullness gauge while mindlessly ingesting the entire bag of family-sized chips. I’m knowledgable of how I should be eating, but it will always be a struggle not resorting to old habits.

In spite of relapses, my craving for love and attention has been sated through Jesus Christ. I know that I’m a worthy person in God’s eyes — a child of the king, and there is no condemnation or shame, no matter how much I weigh.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1 NIV

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8: 387-38 NIV

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