The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Thanks for the story. I liked the style of writing and the descriptions. The only thing I would change is maybe twist it a little more. Make it a little different from the "rich person who has nothing" idea. However, it was a very clear message and nicely written. Thanks again.
The contrast between your life and Julia's was well laid out. I was sorry that she walked away in the end - I guess not all stories have a happy ending.
You had a good beginning middle and end. I think if you had added dialogue into this it would have livened it up a bit. You could alter it so that you have snippets of conversation three times - once each decade, and then you have the capability of adding in what you want the reader to 'see' in the moment.
I am commenting as a reader only; the writing was excellent, as readers would expect of a Masters author...but it needed something to hold the Reader's interest. Perhaps dialogue? perhaps some wit? I don't know...but it didn't grab hold and intrigue the reader to the point of HAVING TO READ IT ALL, or an exciting "page turner". However, on target when it came to Topic. Good points, well taken.
You grabbed my interest from the very beginning, I knew "Julia" only her name was "Barbara Ann." Really enjoyed the way you tightly wove the message of true abundance against the backdrop of wordly abundance. I think the narrative format worked with this story, dialogue may have been a little trite for this piece. Fantastic job!
I liked this and especially loved your style. Your story did hold my attention, but I do agree with Ann's comment. Although it is often true as you said: "Ironicaly, her abundance of, well, everything had caused her greatest lack." Another possible suggestion is to end with her turning a walking away. I think that sums it up.
I like the way you built up the sentence ... 'She had everything...', 'She had everything but...' etc.

Your description of her in the last paragraph was good too.