Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: CONTROL (02/18/21)
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TITLE: The Master of Hope | Previous Challenge Entry
By Bonnie Kronberger
02/23/21 -
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Oh Lord, not again. He’s gone. I’ve chased him away. When will I be able to control my tongue?
My perceived perfect life collapsed when I discovered my husband had committed adultery. Twenty-two years of marriage shouldn’t come to this. After days of tears and disbelief, I finally decided I could forgive him and stay to rebuild the marriage. His repentance seemed genuine and I was sure my love could conquer his betrayal.
Our journey toward restoration had few successes. His repentance soon turned to resentment with no willingness to address his sin--or my broken heart.
His angry words from our last conversation stuck in my head. “I thought you forgave me, yet you keep wanting to talk about it. Forget it, and don’t bring it up again.”
Dan seemed satisfied that his apology to me and his promise to be faithful wiped the slate clean. But I’m not God and I can’t remove his sin from my mind. The roller coaster of emotions drained my spirit. When Dan’s attention was loving, hope for our future returned. But I could never keep him happy for long. Blame would rear its ugly head and Dan would storm out, to wherever his rebellious heart drew him. Our home was a house of contention.
Such guilt. I blamed myself. I figured I should keep my mouth shut and do whatever was necessary to keep the peace. But after four years of strife, my strength was gone and bitterness clawed to get in. My prayers for Dan to return to the Lord seemed to stop at the ceiling. My hope that he would be willing to do the hard work of rebuilding our marriage was gone. Yet I couldn’t continue to revisit my unforgiveness, to keep speaking words of condemnation to Dan. But what could I do? How could I control my anger?
I remembered God’s words to an angry Cain. “Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”
Wow! That doesn’t allow for excuses. As I dug into God's word I learned I am responsible for the attitude and direction of my life. I may not be able to change Dan, but I can choose my response to him and in doing so, be the victor instead of the victim.
Lord, You’re saying it’s possible to subdue my anger and forgive? Is it possible to subdue my contentious words? You say Your Spirit will help me. HELP!
A journey of surrender began. Jesus was the only one who could change my heart--and then my response. I couldn’t master sin by simply deciding to be good or by devising a plan to discipline my will. No. The Lord taught me that victory in the surrender could only come as I learned to accept, day by day, the tests and circumstances permitted by God, by a continual repeated laying down of my will.
At last, I untethered myself from trying to fix Dan and our relationship. He’s yours Lord. I let go. My hope in you is enough. Your peace covers me. Your love overwhelms me as I surrender what I’ve been trying to forgive.
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I have sought out the Lord and understand my identity is in Him, not in my husband. God is my lifeline, even as sadness still tries to overwhelm me. Each day has its troubles. Dan threatens to leave and get a divorce--yet he is still here. I am aware that just around the corner, the devil is crouching, waiting to pounce, to knock me off my feet and give in to sinful words and attitudes. But my Master is teaching me ways to master sin. As His peace grows in me, I hope my countenance displays His love. I’m practicing being slow to speak, prayerful, and thoughtful. I have no expectations, except to trust in the Lord and leave the future in His hands. I have hope, even in my broken marriage.
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'He’s yours Lord. I let go' That takes courage.