Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: OPEN UP A CAN OF WORMS (08/22/19)
- TITLE: Stupid Pretzels and Burnt Pizza
By Allison Egley
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Once she gets a computer, sheâ€™ll really feel like a writer, and sheâ€™ll want.... no... need plot ideas beyond what her poor, puny, tired, brain can come up with. So sheâ€™ll go to the mall to people watch.
If she goes to the mall, sheâ€™ll want to buy a pretzel. Next, sheâ€™ll have to walk in the mall even longer to burn off those extra calories. Stupid pretzel. When she mall walks to burn off those extra calories, sheâ€™ll finally get an idea for the next great novel. Okay. Fine. The next barely passable novel. Letâ€™s be realistic here.
When she gets the idea for her barely passable novel, sheâ€™ll go back to her computer and start outlining. While sheâ€™s outlining, sheâ€™ll come up with a great opening line that she has to jot down immediately. Next, sheâ€™ll get sucked into the writing vortex. Uh-oh.
If she gets sucked into the writing vortex, her family will wonder what has become of her. When they ask, sheâ€™ll tell them to go away, lest they become the next victim in her novel.
To avoid becoming the next victim in her novel, her family members will attempt to cook dinner on their own. Theyâ€™ll burn the pizza, and the smoke alarm will start sounding.
When the smoke alarm starts sounding, the writer will be awakened from her writing coma and wonder what just happened. Sheâ€™ll ask her family. Theyâ€™ll tell her. Sheâ€™ll deny it.
After she denies it, sheâ€™ll realize she is pretty hungry. Maybe she spent longer on the computer than she thought. Sheâ€™ll go out to eat with her family.
While eating dinner, sheâ€™ll have another great idea, this time for how to end her barely passable novel. Once home, sheâ€™ll go back to her computer to write the last chapter of her barely passable novel. By now, it will be late and sheâ€™ll doze off. Sheâ€™ll have to clean off the drool from her keyboard and delete the gibberish her head typed.
Next, sheâ€™ll finally go to bed. And sheâ€™ll dream. Sheâ€™ll come up with a great idea for the middle of her barely passable novel. Soon, burnt pizzas will be the norm. At least for awhile.
Over the next few months (years?) the rest of the members of her family will become gourmet cooks, because theyâ€™ll realize that mom isnâ€™t cooking much anymore.
Finally, the novel will be done. And then sheâ€™ll proofread. More burnt pizza.... I mean, gourmet meals. And then sheâ€™ll have someone else proofread. And one day, it will be ready for *cue dramatic music* a real editor.
Now, sheâ€™ll think she can finally relax. But sheâ€™ll be wrong. Oh, so very wrong. Because as she communicates with her editor, it will feel like sheâ€™s defending her thesis. Multiple times. She will insist that she cannot take Chadâ€™s character out of the novel because Chad is her firstborn child. Well, her literary firstborn, that is.
And then.... one glorious day, the barely passable novel will go to print. Her editor was great. Exceptional, even. But even the editor couldnâ€™t get it past the â€œbarely passableâ€ level. So it will be sold on-line only, and only to family members and close friends. No writer meet and greets for this one. But thatâ€™s okay, because itâ€™s her barely passable novel.
Then, one day, sheâ€™ll need to take a phone message for a family member. And sheâ€™ll need a piece of paper. And if you give a writer a piece of paper, sheâ€™s going to need a pencil to go with it.
The author of this entry does not mean to assume that all writers are female. Nor does she mean to assume that all writers have puny, tired brains when they are brainstorming. She also does not mean to assume that all writers will only be able to write â€œbarely passableâ€ novels. The author does not assume any liability for any feelings that she has been reading someoneâ€™s mind. She has no superpowers, and any correlation to actual peopleâ€™s experience is coincidental. Well... mostly.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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