Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: IN-LAWS (07/11/19)
- TITLE: Thinly Sliced Tomatoes
By Laurie Glass
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Thank you. Itâ€™s great to be here. If youâ€™ve followed my column, you know how I like to spin a story.
I remember a time many years ago when I was watching TV and a knife commercial came on. This guy was cutting a tin can with that thing. Iâ€™m not exactly in the habit of cutting cans. Just as I started to roll my eyes, he said, â€œâ€¦and slice tomatoes so thin your in-laws will never come back.â€ THAT got my attention. He had me at â€œnever come back.â€ Then he droned on about the potato peeler, and the bottle opener, and the other utensils... â€œYeah, yeah, yeah,â€ I thought, â€œjust get to the phone number so I can order my in-law knife.â€ Uhâ€¦well, you know what I mean.
It got even better at the end. There was a 50 year guarantee. I figured 50 years should cover it. I scratched down the number and ran to the phone as fast as I could. It took forever to call on that rotary dial phone. I panicked, wondering if Iâ€™d get through before my in-lawsâ€™ next visit! To the younger, confused-looking folks in the audience, ask Grandma about the rotary dial phone and life before the internet.
Anyway, I remember their first visit after I received that magical knife. My husband didnâ€™t speak to his mother for the first four hours. Heâ€™s so polite, and he didnâ€™t want to interrupt her.
I shouldnâ€™t be so hard on her, though. After all, sheâ€™s quick to apologize. As soon as she walked in the door, she was sorry to see I didnâ€™t have time to get myself together before they arrived. Later, she complimented me on the spaghetti supper I made from scratch, asking if the sauce was Ragu. Before they left, she commented how nice it is that Iâ€™m not uptight and donâ€™t care how the house looks when company comes. It made me wonder which came first: the mother-in-law or the back-handed compliment.
I remember thinking Iâ€™d rather sleep with rotten eggs under my pillow than to endure another visit like that.
And guess what. They came back! Given the misleading advertising and money back guarantee, I asked for a refund on that stupid knife. But I didnâ€™t get it. Just like I didnâ€™t get how my father-in-law could live with that woman. All I knew was that I became jealous of someone I never thought Iâ€™d be jealous of: Eve. She didnâ€™t have a mother-in-law.
I learned a valuable lesson in all of this: sadly, a thinly sliced tomato a day does NOT keep the in-laws away.
Remember itâ€™s all in fun, folks. Thank you, everyone. Youâ€™ve been a great audience.
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