The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/12/19
Wow! This was quite the entry, and the ending was chilling.
Well done,
Blessings~
04/12/19
Gripping, absorbing and very descriptive, with an ending that packs a real wallop.
Wow! I thought I was watching an old fashioned TV western, but that ending gave me goosebumps. Well done!
I really enjoyed this. Your conflict pulled me in right away. I felt connected to the MC instantly. Even though he's a bad guy, I found myself rooting for him, hoping in those last seconds, he finds what he's been searching for. For the most part, you did a great job with realistic dialog, although every so often, you used a cliché (which normally, I'd encourage you to use your own original words, but this MC seems like he might use clichés. If so, maybe use even more or avoid them altogether) or it stepped into more formal and longer dialog with words like fetid, solitary and complete sentences. For example, I might suggest an edit like this:
The Bible (notice Bible is capped because it's the name of a book) been my ma’s and afore that, her granny's, but years and even more miles later, it was mine. Don't reckon why I lugged it around. Never read it. Took it out and held it sometimes though. Always thought I'd get 'round to readin' it. But time done run out.
This is just a quick example to show you what I mean. I exaggerated a bit to emphasize my point and to show ways you could tighten it up some.
I also noticed in the end you switched to present tense once or twice (I find).

I know I was nitpicking a bit, but that's because this story is so brilliant. The ending is subtle, yet so powerful. It's a story so many people need to hear. Your passion for spreading God's word is palpable. After tweaking it some, I hope you'll consider finding a magazine for it, or even expanding it into a novel. The message is so powerful, and the world needs to hear it even more today than 150 years ago.