The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
03/14/19
Oh I truly enjoyed this piece!
Great message in this well written entry.
Well done,
Blessings~
This is a great story. You identified the conflict right away and resolved it nicely in the end. I could relate to the MC from the neuropathy to feeling normal on a cruise. I should look at my blessings a bit more though, but your story reminded me to do just that. You have some incomplete sentences that you're treating as taglines, but since they aren't true taglines, they don't quite fit. Don't be afraid to use a simple she said or I asked if you need to watch word count. But if you do want to use body language (which is an awesome way to paint a picture for the reader), it needs a wee bit of tweaking. For example, I might suggest an edit like this:
"This will be great!" I gave her a squeeze around her waist. "I never thought turning 70 could be so exciting!"
This also will keep the tense consistent in the past, instead of switching from past to present. Overall though, you've done an awesome job with the dialog and using body language to develop your characters. You nailed the topic and delivered a clear Christian message.




A lovely story. My sister and I, both in our seventies, have wonderful conversations about our blessings and our failures. It is such a blessing to have special people in your life for encouragement and truth.

I agree with Shann, there were some sentences that caused me to pause, having to reread for clarity. Crafting is NOT easy. Very good piece and right on topic.
03/16/19
What a sweet story, on topic, and has a clear Christian message. Well done.
I kind of felt like I was watching a TV commercial vignette- like the ones for life insurance. It was cute. However, I was stuck in the wording of going down the ramp onto the cruise ship. This confused me, as it seems you should be going up the ramp!