Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: CAT (11/08/18)
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TITLE: Latest Report From the Human Behavior Institute | Previous Challenge Entry
By Virginia Lee Bliss
11/14/18 -
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“Wonderful to be here, Bob.”
“Dr. DePaw, there’s been a lot of talk recently, especially on cat food commercials, suggesting that cats look down on humans and condescend to them on the basis that they’re inferior. What’s your take?”
“Bob, most of the felines I have interviewed express genuine affection for their humans. We, as cats, are committed to helping members of this less fortunate species reach their full potential despite their limitations.”
“What do you consider a serious challenge to this commitment?”
“Television. For decades, humans sat glassy-eyed and hypnotized, watching little figures cavorting. This behavior reaches its nadir in the autumn when they sit transfixed for hours riveted to the figures kicking a prolate spheroid. They do not desist even for meals, subsisting instead on a carbonated amber-tinged liquid and bite-sized snacks dyed an unnatural orange. Our researchers describe the liquid as having an unpleasant bitter taste. Humans call the orange snacks by a name that we presume is the term for a male cheetah. Our laboratory analyses established that neither the liquid nor the orange tidbits contain any nutrients of benefit for humans or cats.”
“Strange behavior.”
“We’re still trying to figure it out, Bob. Our researchers report that when humans consume the liquid, they become rowdy, laughing or shouting uncontrollably.”
“What do they shout about?”
“Research by Lyon & Margay indicates that they shout most often when they’re angry at the little figures in the television. Humans practice polytheism in which they confer divine status upon certain humans.”
“Which humans do they consider divine, doctor?”
“Sports figures, movie stars, rock ‘n roll singers, and politicians.”
“Interesting.”
“It gets even more complicated. At any time, humans may decide that they are displeased with one of their gods or goddesses. They immediately de-deify them. The trouble is, humans do not always agree regarding who should be deified or de-deified. That’s when they become livid.”
“Has this type of polytheism be seen in the past?”
“No, Bob. The ancient Greeks and Romans believed that the gods punished humans who offended them. But in modern polytheism, the humans punish those gods who do not live up to their expectations. Or even if they’re just bored with a particular god, that is sufficient to de-deify them.”
“What are the goals of HBI in addressing this problem?”
“We endeavor to lead humans to worship the one true God who made and loves us all. To that end, we invented the internet.”
“How do you utilize it?”
“We control both content and usage, Bob. When humans are on the internet, their owner sits behind the computer ready to step in. If their human ventures into unwholesome content, the cat will gently guide the human’s hand to select more beneficial material. It is much easier to regulate subject matter selection with the internet than with television. And the internet offers far more constructive content choices.”
“What happens if the human’s internet usage becomes excessive?”
“In that instance, we block access by lying on top of the keyboard. We can also turn off offensive videos which is easier if the human uses a trackpad instead of the input device they so amusingly refer to as a “mouse.”
“Is it harder to regulate usage of Smartphones?”
“Absolutely, Bob. They present a significant challenge to our work. Our researchers are working on that.”
“What are some other advantages of the internet, doctor?”
“Humans are now far more aware of feline superiority. Prior to the internet, some humans actually believed that dogs were smarter than cats. Now they can view accounts of heroic deeds performed by cats and learn about the many careers they pursue. And have you noticed the seemingly unending stream of cat videos available? Also, not surprisingly, much advertising is devoted to the marketing of feline-oriented merchandise—foods, toys, furniture, catios—the list is endless.”
“This has been a great conversation, Dr. DePaw. Is there anything you’d like to say in conclusion.”
“To paraphrase one of the more intelligent humans: ‘An internet of the cats, by the cats, for the cats, shall not perish from cyberspace.’”
“Thank you, Dr. DePaw for appearing on our show today.”
“I enjoyed it.”
“This is Bob Katz reporting for station WMEW in Purrth Amboy, New Jersey.”
Exodus 20:3 (KJV) "Thou shalt have no other gods before me."
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I'm sure a link would go viral (or is that a refurral? Feral?) to all cat-lovers out there. :)
I'm sure a link would go viral (or is that a refurral? Feral?) to all cat-lovers out there. :)