The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/08/18
I didn't know where this was headed until the very end. You did a great job with this suspenseful story.
11/14/18
Of the stories I've read so far, this is the most natural 'boycott' story. The word doesn't stand out like a sore thumb, but fits. The only thing that seemed unnatural to me was the calm, complete sentences coming from Megan after what, to me, would be a traumatizing experience. I realize she actually remained calm and prayed while waiting for help, but still, I don't expect her to sound like she's writing an article about her experience, when she is talking to her Mom. Hope that makes sense.
I enjoyed the story. You did a nice job of setting the scene and building the suspense. Some of the dialog didn't sound authentic to my ears. I have a hard time picturing a high school kid using some of the words she used and it sounded too formal. She would have adrenaline racing through her after being tied up. I might edit it to something like this: “Oh Mom. I was so scared. They were so mad and called me a Jesus freak when I said we shouldn't do a Halloween party. I told them I would put something on Instagram, asking everyone to stay away from that kind of--" She fell into her Mom's arms, sobbing.
That's just a quick example to show you what I mean. I know I took liberties.
I think your message is a good one. You've done a nice job of developing the characters and writing on topic.