The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/25/17
Great story!
02/28/17
I like this
I really enjoyed the formatting. I thought it quite clever and it made it so you could pack a lot of great details in it. I'm not positive, but if I were to guess one reason why it might not have done better would be the dialog didn't sound like a young teen. Little things like I've never felt so cruddy (instead of miserable) or instead of affluent maybe rich. I did notice as the diary progressed her wording became a bit more simplistic, which was a good way to show your point, but I think you still could have made it sound more "teenish." This is a nitpicky thing, and it can vary in different places, but generally fireflies are out in summer. Sometimes I spot them in early June and they last until late August, which is usually when most kids are on summer vacation. If the fireflies did mesh with school schedule, most younger kids would need to be in bed before they really start flashing. Also, planting fruit trees would likely be done in early spring, but in the right environment might be planted during firefly season. (Like I said, nitpicky, but something I picked up on because I have done stories and research on fireflies and children's stories are my favorite genre.I could see the exceptions too, but pointed it out just because little things like this can make a difference.) I think it was a great way to tackle the topic. I liked your message as well. I could see the girl growing as she learned. I really enjoyed this story. I think with a bit of tweaking it would make a great story for a teen magazine. It really has lots of potential and was a pure delight to read. I loved how she switched to a prayer journal. That speaks volumes without being too preachy. You definitely have a stunning story here. It is one of my favorites of all time. Congratulations on ranking 11 overall. Happy Dance!