The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
03/03/16
Good job with the present tense. It definitely contributed to the feel of the story.
03/04/16
"Teasing" panic, "choking" terror were good descriptions for the situation. Loved the idea of the hand emerging from the hole like an antenna. Good story.
03/04/16
This was a really good read!

Blessings~
This is a riveting story. I enjoyed the man (or to be pc, person) vs nature conflict as well as person vs self conflict. You did a nice job of pacing the story. You packed a lot into only 750 words. You drew me in with the conflict and kept me engaged right to the end.

Other than some minor punctuation spots (no commas after introductory phrases or when combining complete phrases with conjunctions like but, Mountain's instead of Mountains), which really don't matter in the overall scheme, the only red ink I would offer is directed around these lines: I meant to change my service provider to one that works better in the mountains. Sigh.
In my opinion, the urgency would be greater than just a sigh. I might suggest a change like: Panic bubbled up, as I resisted the urge to scream. Oh, why didn't I listen to Mom and switch to a provider that works better in this area? Another spot that felt too casual is the yuck blood line. Perhaps it's just me. I wouldn't be nearly as calm as your MC. ;)

I do like how your MC turned to God. It is a wonderful message. God is always with us, even when we can't see the light. I also enjoyed the dialog with the dogs. It was a great way to show instead of tell.
You also use some great descriptive verbs. Slither, pelt, and my favorite -- peck like a baby chick...really paint some brilliant pictures. I also liked how you included a prayer in the story. Many people don't know how to pray, and your prayer in this story shows how important faith and rejoicing is without coming off as being preachy. That's not easy to do at all. Finally, I thought it quite clever to bring the story full circle. You started out with a change and ended with the realization that change isn't the same thing as a fresh start. It's all about the attitude. That's a lesson I desperately needed right now, and you spoke to my heart with your wonderful story. It truly was a blessed reading for me.
03/04/16
Riveting story from beginning to end. I really enjoyed your word choices at the end of the story.
Congratulations on ranking 23 overall. Happy Dance!