Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: STIR (11/12/15)
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TITLE: September Violets | Previous Challenge Entry
By Hannah Gaudette
11/19/15 -
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I tossed and turned all night, unable to get comfortable as a light kept shining through the bedroom window. I rolled over to find my husband snoring lightly. Nothing could keep him awake. Usually I was the same way, but that September night, there was no way for me to get to sleep at all, despite how tired I was.
Finally, around midnight, I got up to pray. Kneeling beside the bed wearily, I caught a glimpse of the source of the light that streamed through the window. The house across the street under the old oak tree had its porch light on. That was Violet McKay's house. Strange that she would leave a light on like that.
I shrugged it off and started to pray for my family, for our mini-vacation tomorrow to visit relatives, for sleep. But the longer I prayed, the more unsettled my heart became. My eyes kept opening and landing on Violet's house.
Eventually I slipped back into bed and closed my eyes, but as soon as I did, a simple command started rousing my heart.
Check on Violet.
I opened one eye and frowned. Why would I go gallivanting to our elderly neighbor's house in the middle of the night? What would I even say to her if she was still up? “Hi, sorry to bother you, but why is your light on?” Ridiculous, I decided, and settled in to sleep.
Only a few minutes later, the words returned to my heart, more demanding, more frightening. I sat up with a frustrated sigh.
“God, I'm sure Violet is fine,” I whispered. “She'd call us if she needed anything.”
Check on Violet.
“But, Lord, it's the middle of the night!”
Check on Violet.
“Renee, who are you talking to?” my husband asked sleepily.
“It's nothing. I'll be back in a couple minutes. I'm just going over to . . .”
He was snoring again. I shook my head and climbed out from under the quilts to get dressed. Within a few minutes, I was out the door with a flashlight and starting across the vacant street to Violet's house. Half-way there, I stopped. A dog was barking. I instantly recognized the high-pitched howl as Violet's skittish terrier. My pace quickened to a sprint. Every light in the house was on.
“Violet?” I knocked on the door. “Violet?”
I tested the doorknob, but it wasn't locked, so I hurried inside. The elderly woman was unconscious on the kitchen floor. I knelt beside her, my eyes wide, but she was alive.
An ambulance arrived a short while later and they declared that she'd had a stroke. Violet was rushed to the hospital, and Nathan and I followed in our van.
It was several days later before Violet came out from her coma, but when she did, she whispered to me in a strained, hoarse voice, “Thank you for saving me.”
Violet had been like a grandmother to my brothers and I during our childhood. We were all at her graveside funeral a year later. Her doctors said she would have died from that stroke if someone hadn't been looking out for her. They thanked me, but I knew God was the One who had watched over His child, and woken me that autumn night to tell me so.
After everyone else went home, I laid down the violets I had bought for today, and murmured a final goodbye.
When I turned to leave, I took one look back and watched as the wind brushed over the September violets. Tears filled my eyes. Our dear Violet had gone home.
Fiction
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I noticed some tiny things that may have been why this delightful story didn't rank higher (Of course, I could be totally off base too.)
The opening line is a bit clich, at least in my opinion. Instead, I'd love to picture what tossing and turning looked like for your character. For example, if I were writing it, I might do it like this:
Scrunching my eyes, I groaned as I flopped to my right side. The light from the window still managed to creep past my eyelids so I grabbed my pillow and tunneled under it and the blankets.
I went a bit overboard to show you what I mean. Tossing and turning just makes me think of someone restless, but adding details paints a picture of someone who is restless too, but it also shows the lengths she's willing to go to in order to avoid being uncomfortable, which is important later on when she has that exquisite argument with the Spirit. (I loved that conversation, and wondered if somehow you'd been eavesdropping on God and me. ;))
The other thing is super tiny, but one of my pet peeves so it stood out to me way more than I suspect it would to others (including the judges).
This line: Violet had been like a grandmother to my brothers and I during our childhood.
It should be to my brothers and me (not I). A good way to test it is to take out the extra persons. You wouldn't say, Violet had been a grandmother to I, but to me.
This is another line that you could make a bit more exciting by making it active instead of passive: During my childhood, Violet had baked cookies, read stories, and sheltered my brothers and me.
(That's not the best example, but hopefully it vaguely shows you what I mean.)
Again, I want to stress how much I enjoyed this story. I love the message. I believe we've all experienced something like that, although we may not all be aware of who is doing the nudging. My minister did his thesis on dreams and the time when we are trying to sleep. He believed, and showed in his thesis, that God tends to use those moments to speak to us. It tends to be a time when we let our guard down and can be more willing to accept the nudgings are real. Your message is strong, and one I need to remember more often. You definitely spoke to my heart on this one. The timing of it is quite perfect too, but I would expect nothing less from someone who allows the Holy Spirit to work through her words as you do.
Congratulations on ranking 16th overall. Happy Dance!