Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Write for the HUMOR Genre (10/09/14)
TITLE: The Odd Family
By Dave Walker
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Thank you so much for offering to adopt me. Initially, I was delighted. Who wouldn't want to be taken into the home of the richest man in the world?
But then I started looking at the family and I wonder if you know some of the things they've been up to. I know you hold them in high regard, and I don't want to tell tales, but.......
There's Jerry. Frankly, I wonder if he isn't somewhere on the spectrum. Did you know that he's wearing a filthy old belt that he's been hiding in a hole in the wall since he bought it?1 And he's walking around with his head sticking out of a yoke on his shoulders as if he's an ox2. Don't you think he should see someone? Like, y'know, a shrink or someone? He's also got destructive tendencies. I heard he bought a beautiful pot (-- said you'd told him to) then promptly smashed it.3
And he's either bipolar or depressive. He's weeping half the time, proclaiming doom and destruction and then crying about it.
Then there's Zeke. He talks to dead bones!4
And he's such an exhibitionist!
On one occasion he was sitting with a group of friends and suddenly starting to shake all over like he was in the grip of a malarial rigor5 -- but he was doing it DELIBERATELY. Isn't there a name for someone who purposely seeks attention like that?
He also seems to have catatonic tendencies. He lay on his side for over a year. Imagine that! Then he stirred and just when we thought he'd get up, he turned over and lay on his other side for more than a month.6 Perhaps he should be in the waiting room while Jerry's in with the shrink.
I feel sorry for Hosie, but to be honest, he brought a lot of his misery on himself. He knew the kind of woman 'Mer was when he married her. (And you, his Dad encouraged it?) Still, he's a decent guy. Keeps taking her back from the gutter. I guess I could stick by him if I was adopted. 7
But I'm not sure I could put up with Issy's dress code. Do you know he's been walking around in just his underwear for nearly three years!8 At least he doesn't wear drag. I suppose I should be grateful for that.
And on the subject of dress, how about Hij, who suddenly takes his brand new cloak and tears it into pieces9? Is that the way to treat your stuff? I mean, I'd have to watch my property. Who knows when he'd have an impulse to grab my shirt and rip it wide open, or tear it off my back!
I know you've also got some really good guys among your children -- like Dan and Jo and Noah and I'd be honoured to be counted as their brother. I guess I'd have to weigh the good guys against the oddballs.
What's that you say? Forget them all and look to the one Son who really counts? Yes, of course. He also did odd things, like making mud from a mixture of dirt and his saliva and putting it on someone's eyes, but who could doubt his love or his power.
You're right, Sir. If Jesus is my brother and is always by my side, who cares about your kooky children. He'll show me a way that no worldly-wise, politically correct "sensible" person ever could.
And if I'm with Him, with His love in my heart, who cares if I have to dance in public, make a fool of myself and have the doubters mock.
I'm ready for adoption, Dad (may I call You that, now?). I want to be part of your family. Please take me as I am.
But please don't let me walk around in just my underwear.
3Jer. 19: 1-11
8Isaiah 20:1-2 (note the word arom could mean either partially or totally naked)
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