Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Write for the HUMOR Genre (10/09/14)
- TITLE: Adam and Eve Mating Service
By Leola Ogle
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Maddy was an ornery instigator. She’d tell me to do things I knew I shouldn’t. Patience was my voice of reason. Those two could sure fight with each other, wanting me to do things their way. Sometimes between them and Mama, I wanted to run away.
Mama wasn’t bad. She was just overprotective, overbearing, and smothering. She’d tried to have a baby for ten years. By the time she found out I was coming, Daddy had run off with his secretary. Mama turned to Jesus and channeled all her energy on me and church. She vowed to never marry again, saying I was all she wanted or needed.
I was six when Daddy and Heidi had baby Andrew. Daddy thought I’d be thrilled to have a baby brother, and I was until Maddy told me to pinch Andrew. When he shrieked, I dove for the sofa, innocently smiling. Daddy and Heidi asked if I’d hurt Andrew, but I said no. I had no idea a baby could scream so loud and kick his legs like he was running from the devil himself.
While they cooed over Andrew, Maddy told me to open the front door and let Angus, the collie, outside. In his haste to get out the door, Angus knocked over an end table, then tore through the neighbor’s prized roses. Daddy tripped over the table chasing after Angus, then had to endure the hysterical ranting of his neighbor.
By the time things calmed down, Maddy was telling me that Mama would consider this karma for what Daddy did to her. Patience was crying. Patience won that time. For one thing, Mama believes in God, not karma, and I did feel bad. I vowed to never hurt Andrew again, and I haven’t. Well, maybe a time or two over the years, but he deserved it.
It wasn’t the last time Maddy made me do something like that. I’d probably be a heathen if not for Patience.
I was thirteen when Mama took me for counseling with Pastor Henry because of Patience and Maddy. She said while it might be okay for a little girl to have imaginary friends, I wasn’t little anymore.
I’d always liked Pastor Henry, but when he read scriptures about demons and the devil, I got frightened. “Are you saying I have demons or something weird like that movie Carrie?”
Did he really think I could set a school on fire with my thoughts or send knives flying across a room? Mama’s nothing like Carrie’s mom. Well, maybe a smidgen.
Pastor Henry chuckled. “Of course not, Hannah.”
I spent months talking with Pastor Henry. He concluded I invented Maddy and Patience as a coping mechanism. He also thought I needed them whenever I was stressed or nervous. He prayed with me a lot and gave me verses to memorize and that helped.
At our last session together, I said, “Pastor Henry, you realize living with Mama is enough to make anyone nervous and stressful?”
He smiled and said, “Well, it takes all kinds of people to make a church.”
I thought that was a cop-out instead of admitting he knew all about Mama.
My life did improve. Patience and Maddy vanished. I was popular in high school, active in church, and life was good.
I was twenty-two when Mama got it into her head I needed to get married because she wanted grandchildren. Mercy, can that woman nag. I dated a lot, but I hadn’t fallen in love. She vowed to fix that. For my twenty- third birthday, she gave me a membership in a dating service, Adam and Eve Mating.
With a corny name like that, what could go wrong? But I caved in and had my first date with Aaron – handsome, intelligent, charming. I was immediately smitten.
And very nervous and stressed. Of course, Maddy and Patience appeared. Maddy pointed to a thread hanging out the front of Adam’s shirt. I ignored her telling me to pull it, but I was so nervous, I couldn’t tear my eyes from that thread. To shut Maddy up, I finally yanked it. When Adam yelped, I realized it wasn’t a thread but a chest hair.
That horrible, rotten Maddy laughed.
Why Adam fell in love with me, and proposed six months later is still a mystery. I think I’ll name my first daughter Madelyn.
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