The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/21/14
I felt like I was reading an installment of a book. Wanted to read more!

Well done, great writing here.

God bless~
This is a powerful story. I have a lump in my throat. You did a nice job of showing the state of his heart by setting the perfect atmosphere--stealing, dingy apartment, peeling paint. These are all perfect undertones that pull the reader right into the heart. They are evidence of a strong, gifted author.

A few punctuation errors made the flow a bit bumpy at time. Remember commas, especially after introductory phrases and before and after parenthetical phrases, as well as hyphenating two or more words that are joined together to make one adjective. Example: Striding down the road, I almost smashed right into that blond-haired, blue-eyed, rugby-playing friend of hers. (Note that blond, without the e is the masculine version and the female one has the e--blonde.)

Other than those tiny things, you really did a great job. I liked how you showed the topic without using the topic words. You did a grand job of developing the characters too; even the wife, who was barely mentioned was pictured sharply throughout the story. I felt a real sense of who she was. I totally enjoyed this from beginning to end.
08/23/14
I enjoyed your story and I felt as if I knew your MC quite well.

You depicted lots of emotion and without ever mentioning the topic you covered it very well.