Don't Take Your Goldfish for a Walk | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Don't Take Your Goldfish for a Walk | Previous Challenge Entry
By Allison Egley
06/05/14
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Don't Take the Goldfish for a Walk
Top Ten List of Things We Wish We Could Vote Off the Island

10. Hangnails
Not only are they nasty to look at, but they hurt too. And yet, some of us just can't resist pulling at them, even though we know we will regret it.

9. Stinky Socks
Socks alone are not so bad, but at the end of the day... Well, let's just say when they can walk to the laundry room on their own power, it might be time to just give in and buy new socks. They have reached the point of no return. Not even the dryer gnomes who steal perfectly good socks will want them.

8. Dirty Diapers
Sure, babies may be cute, but then they start to grunt and moan. The next response will probably be one of two extremes. Either they will burst into tears, or they will look at you with a smile and a glint in their eyes. Here. I made a nice little gift, just for you.

7. Quicksand
Not that many of us have had any actual experience with quicksand, but given it's depiction in movies, I'm sure it is fodder for many nightmares. Which leads perfectly into the next point, actually.

6. Nightmares
These come in many forms, from actual terrifying events like natural disasters, to the merely mortifying ones, like walking into school naked and trying to get back home before anyone notices.

5. Paper Cuts
Imagine this scenario. You get a letter in the mail from a potential publisher to the world's next best seller. Well, that's what your family members and friends have convinced you, at least. In fact, they assured you it was so good, that you should send it in as is. I mean, who needs to pay an editor, right? You can do that yourself. Besides, why mess with perfection? As you rip open the letter, the paper slices your thumb, and you let forth a blood-curdling scream, as a drop of blood lands on the word "rejected." You let out a second blood-curdling scream. Your neighbor calls 911 (or your country's equivalent emergency number), and you attempt to explain to the paramedics why you are weeping over a letter while sucking your right thumb. You can't properly form words yet, and so the paramedics agree to take you away. To the psych ward. You tell the lovely psychiatrist that the voices in your head are just your book characters talking to you. He doesn’t believe you.

4. Mosquitoes
Blood sucking insects. Enough said. I am nearly convinced that God created them after the fall.

3. Temper Tantrums
I'm not going to lie. I've thrown a number of them in my life. Most of them as a child. You just never know what will set a child off next. "No, I'm sorry, Tommy. You cannot take your pet goldfish out of the tank to pet him and take him for a walk." Well, I mean, I suppose he could, but then he'd be having a temper tantrum for an entirely new reason, and I just might join him. After all, Goldie was a carnival prize and managed to live for a full year. He's the Methuselah of goldfish, and feels like a member of the family. A mere flushing would not do.

2. Taxes
Does anyone really want to pay taxes? I mean, sure they keep our countries running. No comments on how well your particular country is being run, please. I'd like to keep this family friendly. I don't know anyone who gets up every morning and praises the almighty IRS (or your country's equivalent) who does not work for the almighty IRS. And even they don't like actually paying their taxes.

1. Spam
The canned meat or the e-mail form. It really doesn't matter which; take your pick. I mean, I've already won the European lottery fifty times. I don't need all that money going to my head. Just think of how much canned meat that could buy. If you do not share this article with ten people within five seconds, you will have bad luck for the next 3.65 hours.

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