The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I know you were seeking red ink, but this is just brilliant. What a great angle. I'm new to FW but I'm really looking forward to reading more of your work.
Wow, I love this! The dialogue at the beginning really drew me into the story.

By making it into a movie scene, you have tension, humour, and a message too! :)

As a side note, I recently saw a news clip that showed an accident, taken by a dash cam. The guy wasn't hurt, but the terror in that man's voice still shakes me up. You don't hear that in movies!
Compelling and very well written. I was completely taken in until the "cut, cut, cut!" This is great writing here. No red ink from me.
Superb, especially with the powerful message right at the end. This is story that will stay in my mind!
Wonderful bit of writing here, I echo everyone's comments.

God Bless~
Great job with the surprise story angle. Tiny red ink..."Maybe" has no plural.
Excellent dialogue that helped to create the tension.

I'm not qualified to offer much red ink but even if I were- I don't think any would be flowing from my pen.
You're a masterful storyteller young man!
Congratulations in ranking 29 overall! Happy Dance!
I love this. I'm a sucker for twists and it doesn't happen often that I get drawn in so when I do I'm even more excited. You also introduced it at the perfect time.

I think if you could have added some narrative details to help the reader picture the scene, instead of just dialog, that would help the reader connect with you even more. For example:"Killing yourself won't make it any easier for her. Now come back from the edge and let's go back." Just then a gust of wind whipped at his back making him wobble and grasp the nearest stabilizing object.
I know that's not perfect, but hopefully it shows what I mean and still stays true to your twist and storyline.

I think you did an outstanding job with the topic. Suicide is definitely a dead end and the way you introduced it encased in a movie would make it easier for people to talk about. That's the goal of a good writer--to make the reader think. You definitely did that.