Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: CHECKING IN OR OUT (hotel/motel on vacation) (08/27/15)
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TITLE: Double Booked | Previous Challenge Entry
By Robyn Harbour
09/01/15 -
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‘Not yet, we have just arrived’ said Robert, ‘Our plane from Sydney only landed an hour ago.’
‘Someone must have made a mistake. Your name is Zigglet, you booked two days ago and paid by credit card, is that right?’
‘That’s correct, Zigglet is not a common name. Someone must have made a mistake.’
‘We have given you the two bedroom family suite, it was all that was available when you booked, do you mind? Melbourne High is holding it’s 100 year celebrations this weekend, so you were lucky to get a room at all.’
‘We don’t mind, we are here for the celebrations, Anne and I met in our Matriculation year back in 1972.’
‘That’s strange, we only have one key, we usually have two keys for family suites. Your room is number 10, the first at the top of the stairs.’
Robert picked up his case and together with Anne made their way to number ten and put the key in the lock.
‘What are you doing here Dad?’ Gerry asked as the door opened. Robert went into shock. It had been over five years since he had seen Gerry, they had fallen out over Gerry’s choice of wife. He had married Fatima; a Pakistani Muslim. The falling out had broken Anne’s heart but her husband had demanded that she not have anything more to do with her son and she had dutifully obeyed. That is the way it had always been in their relationship.
Forgetting that Robert was watching her, Anne flew over to Gerry and hugged him, ‘I am so sorry,’ then turning to Fatima, she hugged her as well. ‘Please forgive me, every day I have regretted refusing to befriend you. Our differences should not have divided us.’
Robert looked on, tears welled up in his eyes, he had missed his only son too. He had recognized his mistake years ago but was too proud to look up his son and say so.
Gerry had gone to the same school many years later and was also here for the reunion. Two people ringing up to book a room in the name of Zigglet had led to the receptionist making a mistake thinking she was talking to the same person.
Fatima put on the kettle and they all sat down to talk, it was if the fracture in their relationship had never happened. They saw photos of the two grandchildren they never knew they had. Gerry had done well, he had his own business in Geelong and Fatima was teaching English to new arrivals to the country.
Fatima had been attending church with Gerry but his parent’s rejection was a stumbling block to her making a commitment to follow Christ.
‘Anne,’ Fatima said, ‘I told Allah that if Gerry’s parents ever came and said they were sorry, I would recognized Jesus as Allah’s son and follow the Bible instead of the Quran.’
More hugs and tears, then the four of them held hands and prayed. A family reunion, reunited in forgiveness with grace.
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The dialog felt a bit unnatural to me. It was a bit too stiff and formal. Another thing that might help would be to add body language. For example: Robert furrowed his eyebrows and tapped his fingers on the counter. "No, I haven't checked in yet. Our p, and just landed a couple of hours ago." He glanced to his wife who shook her head.
The clerk cleared his throat. "Hm, well, Sir, you seem to be all set. Someone must have made a clerical error. Here's your key." The clerk bent over and ruffled some papers under the desk. "It seems like someone misplaced your second key card. I can get you another one if you'd care to wait."
By using contractions and some body language, it helps with the flow and hopefully allows the reader to create a mental picture.
You definitely nailed the topic in a fresh and interesting way. I could feel the tension once they arrived in the room. I love your message. It's not a easy one for sure, but you handled it expertly. The message is clear and a powerful one. I enjoyed your ending too. It left me with a warm feeling. I really enjoyed this story. You did a great job.