Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Fearful (08/23/07)
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TITLE: A Confession | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tom Yarbrough
08/27/07 -
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I want to give you a warning: If you read this, it may change your life.
I woke one morning burdened about something. You know how you feel that God must have spoken to you in your sleep but you can’t quite remember the details. Something subtly keeps nagging at you. You feel it must be important, yet trying to focus on “it” almost gives you a headache.
I shook the feeling off for the moment and proceeded with my morning routine. I reassured myself that if I forgot about it for awhile, divert my thinking; I’d be able to remember this significant word the Lord must have given. In my deepest being, I did not want to miss any word from God.
I retrieved my cup of coffee, my Bible and a devotional book for a time of meditation. I read my scriptures, entering into that notch above the physical when the spirit tries the hardest to take over.
Immediately, a piercing set of thoughts burst into the front of my thinking about an occasion when a Christian friend accused me of something I did not do. Initially, I thought I’d forgiven and forgotten the incident, although I’d not confronted the individual personally because he’d moved away and at the time, had no way to contact him. I did one of those, “Lord, forgive him for he knows not what he does” things and buried it.
But here it was again and as I dwelt upon the experience, that ugly head of anger began to erupt. How could he do that? Didn’t he know me better than that? Am I so incompetent I can’t make myself clear to people?
I didn’t like anger so I began to analyze my feeling. What is it really? It occurred to me that anger remains as cloaked hostile fear. What was I afraid of? What made me so fearful? The Bible reminds us in 1 Jo.4:18 that “perfect love casts out fear”. Yet, I felt fear. In a flash of honesty, I had to admit that any hostile fear disclosed I was afraid I won’t be loved. It haunts me still. There are reasons for it. I was raised in a broken home. But that was many years ago. I can’t blame that anymore.
As I continued my devotional thinking, a clear voice said, Pay attention.”
Suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I saw a shadowy figure, wearing a hooded sweat shirt run past. I started to run after him. He led us down streets and alleyways that smelled of garbage. Finally I gained enough on him to reach out and pull down his hood. I was afraid I’d see some grotesque monster, but the back of his graying head looked normal. We ran a ways more and he turned to look back. I stopped dead in my tracks. Through a kind of tunnel vision, I saw the hooded being was me.
Some days later, I searched more diligently and found a forwarding address for the friend I thought wronged me. I wrote him and asked forgiveness for any of the issue that was my irresponsibility, that I no longer blamed him. I’ve not heard from him since, but my burden truly has lifted.
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