The Official Writing Challenge
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Your a very good storyteller. A few suggestions I have is to describe more, instead of instructing the reader. Also, if their are times when the character thinks to herself/himself put the thoughts in italics. By doing this the reader can still enjoy the story without wondering "where did that come from?" Sorry if this is too negative. I believe you have quite a bit of talent and keep on writing you'll go far.
Oooh, where did you get that portrait of me from? :-)Lots of information. Think about what is absolutely necessary and do some showing, rather than telling, concentrating on one of her friends rather than two will give you space. Also it's hard to feel for an unlikable mc with no redeemable qualities. We can only surmise that there is no hope for her. Yeggy
I thought you had a great story going here without the old lady dying. Just my opinion, but your point was just as valid without that shocker. Don't fall into the trap of feeling like the consequences of losing her best friend and fiance as a result of her insensitivity and selfishness were not adequate punishment for the character. Not that you did the bit with the old lady badly, I just felt that leaving that part out, might have given you more space to show us more about the main character...something redemptive, maybe?
Perhaps Cheryl was trying to be too perfect and you just wanted to show why she lost the two people she cared about. The old lady bit just seemed to be what showed Cheryl up more clearly - not so caring as she thought.
The final thought is a clincher - are some people a lost cause or is there hope for them? I want so much for this woman to step from her self-imposed confinement and see the Light!!