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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: PUNCH (08/27/20)
In our neighborhood it would be long remembered as the incident. As a child growing up in the seventies, we were largely shielded from much of the ugliness of life, but this was one time when the darkness made a too obvious appearance. My dad was the kind of man who watched over things and made sure that the weak were protected. This normally involved rather dull intervention, but this time things got very out of hand. There was a teenage girl, nearly twice my age, with a habit of instigating the older neighborhood boys then running away. Unfortunately on this occasion she riled up the wrong boy and he chased her into our yard and then into our home where she sought refuge. The boy followed her inside and as my dad stepped in the boy took a swing at him. My dad had been washing the floor and as he moved he slipped hitting the floor with a loud bang. The odd thing was that the only punch thrown never landed.

My memories of the event are fragmented and I honestly can’t recall exactly where I was through all this. I recall the police arriving, something very unusual for our neighborhood, and an indication that something very serious had happened. My mother sent me off to stay with a friend down the street, but we didn’t go far. This was real news happening at my house and I wasn’t about to miss anything. I remember the police talking to the teenager who had taken a swing at my dad, with the teenage girl who was at the center of it all, and finally with my dad who handled himself amazingly through it all. I was strangely proud of how calm he was as he explained that he had fallen because the floor was wet and that the young man hadn’t laid a hand on him.

I’m older now and as I look back on this incident I do so with different eyes. I understand how frustrating it was for my parents that I had to be exposed to personal violence at such a young age. As parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles we want to keep those we love safe from the evils of the world. As followers of Jesus we understand how sin came into the world and how it affects all of us in one way or another. There is real darkness and no matter how hard we try we can’t expect to keep it from ever affecting those near us. Like my dad, we can only face it as best we can with determination and relative calm and hope for the best. In so doing we reflect our trust that ultimately God takes all things and works them for good and that is a very good thought indeed.
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This article has been read 63 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Barbara Lynn Culler 
09/04/20
Interesting story. So what happened next? Did the girl ever learn her lesson? Why were the police involved? Was the girl someone the family knew and that's why she went into the house? Same for the boy after her, how would he get into the house and why would he want to hit your dad? Details would be great to set the scene for your story.
John Custer
09/04/20
I enjoyed reading this and would have quickly moved to Chapter 2 if there was one. It brought back memories as I also slipped on a wet soapy floor; It made a big bang.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/06/20
I really enjoyed this story. You have a great conflict and a fine resolution. There are a few little things you could do to make it pop more. One way I might edit it would be to tighten it up, add dialog, body language, and maybe even the MC's thoughts. This is just a quick example to show you what I mean:
In my neighborhood, everyone seemed to remember The Incident. One night, The Incident changed my innocent childhood. A teenage girl screamed, "Help! Help! Oh please!" The pounding at my front door made goosebumps pop out on my arm. My eyes flitted to my dad, waxing the floor. <i>Thank God. Daddy's home. Amen</i> Dad flung open the door and the girl sprinted inside. (the I and dash are html code for italics.)
You don't necessarily need all the details about Dad since she can show the reader by her actions and prayer, but some could still be sprinkled later.
That's just a quick example, not perfect at all, and not better than your way, but just another way. I find it easier to understand show don't tell by giving an example, but I don't mean to insinuate it's the only or best way to do it.
The other thing that will help a lot is proper comma placement. You have very few commas. I found a resource I love. It gives a quiz at end so you can tell if you truly understand the rules. I use it still on a regular basis:
http://guidetogrammar.org/grammar/commas.htm

You've done a lot of things right and have an excellent foundation. I truly enjoyed it. You have a nice beginning, a believable ending, a clear message, and a nice take on the topic. Keep writing and I'll keep reading. You did a fine job.
Linda Lawrence 
09/10/20
I found your individual sentences interesting, especially this one: The odd thing was that the only punch thrown never landed.