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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: PUNCH (08/27/20)
"Hey Mom! Do you know where my baby pink sweater is?" Becca screamed.

"Hey, I can hear you from down the hall, even when you're not screaming," her mother replied, as she headed for her daughter's bedroom.

"What's the problem?" she asked, peering through the doorway.
"Tonight's so important to me Mom, and I can't find my pink sweater, have you seen it?"

Becca's mom twister half way around, quickly bent down and straightened back up, with the cherished sweater in-hand. "You mean this one?" she asked, with her favorite 'I thought so' grin.
"Thanks Mom," Becca replied, with a sigh of relief. "I can't wait for the eleventh grade dance tonight Mom. All my friends are gonna be there and this baby pink sweater will be just perfect over my dress!" she shouted.

The hours seemed to drag, but finally it was time to leave for the dance, which drew nearly every eleventh grader, and even a few seniors. Half way through the evening, the dance floor was packed, as Becca and her date made their way to the refreshment table.

"Hey, this looks pretty good," her date Brendan declared; pointing at the punch. "Would you like a cup?" he asked politely.

"Sure," Becca replied, as she stretched out her hand. She slowly took a sip, in doubt of its flavor, when suddenly she detected the familiar scent of whiskey. "Yuck!" she muttered in disgust; slamming the cup down on the table. "This is spiked with some sort of whiskey," she informed her date in horror. My parents are heavy into drinking and.....well, I guess that's why it turns my stomach even just to smell this crap!"

"Hey keep it down, we don't want to start an uproar," Brendan replied, with concern for Becca's reputation.

After a few minutes, other students started whispering about the punch and a few of them were finding themselves accidently drunk.
After she returned home that night, Becca found it impossible to sleep, so she turned on living room T.V. After watching several End Times videos, she started seeing something symbolic about the spiked punch.

"God, I know that there's a few students in my school that just look for trouble, but most of them are not like that at all. I can't believe so many of them didn't even detect the alcohol in that punch! I'm not glad my parents are alcoholics, but at least I'm getting an education. I feel sorry for all those kids who had no clue. I guess that's how it is now in the world, so much deception over-taking the minds of so many. I pray they learn the truth of YOU Lord, before it's too late," she prayed, as she stretched out on the couch.

'I wonder how Brendan's going to react when I tell him what God has revealed to me,' she thought, for what seemed like hours, until she finally fell asleep.
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This article has been read 63 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Barbara Lynn Culler 
09/04/20
Perfect title for this piece!
John Custer
09/04/20
A lot of truth there. Suggest a Quote before "My" in seventh paragraph.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/06/20
I really enjoyed this piece. It's such an important topic, not just for teens, but really for all ages. I liked that she could see the blessings even though life is hard. She has a lot of wisdom. I think you did an awesome job starting with the conflict right away. It pulled me in. The ending was great resolution, yet didn't come off as too preachy.

My only red ink is the dialog. You didn't totally miss it, but teens tend to speak in incomplete sentences, roll their eyes, sigh, and put hands on hips while using slang too. For example I might suggest an edit like this: "Muuuuuummmm! Where's my pink sweater?" Her eyes bulged out and her throat felt scratchy from yelling. And, later...
"Yuck!" She gagged and slammed the glass on the table. "Who spiked the punch?" She crossed her arms and glared at her date. "My parents're drunks! This crap reeks and makes me wanna puke. Home. Now!" She clenched her arms around her waist as tears pooled in her eyes.
That's not perfect at all, but I hope my quick example shows you another way that might sound more realistic to some.
You've a great start, but you just have some extra words. Saying spiked is enough. You don't need to say spiked with some kind of whiskey. She's mad so her sentences are going to be short and snappy. You've some great word choices and are doing an excellent job of mixing body language to paint a picture for the reader. You've a clear message too and I enjoyed it from beginning to end. I think you nailed the topic in a fun, interesting, and relevant way too.