The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
04/11/19
Very good thoughts. Thanks for sharing. Just one point. Sometimes you shifted the tense such as the last sentence in the first paragraph. But I could follow your intent. Keep on writing.
04/11/19
An interesting experience. God uses those with a willing heart.
You have a great take on the topic. I like how you show the conflict right off the bat. I'd love to see more body language and dialog. Perhaps have her bite her lower lip or jiggle her knee on the ride up. Another thing you might want to do is use more active sentences. For example, I might suggest something like this: Although she's known the kids and leaders of the youth group for a long time, she only started attending church a few weeks ago. She likes everyone; they're older, full of energy and aren't afraid to be goofy. (Word has an option that tells you which percentage of sentences are active. Sometimes I try to get a 100% active to help hone my technique. Of course in reality, you want to have a mixture and there are times when a passive sentence is the most succinct.)
Another tiny thing I noticed is other than the beginning you don't use her name again. Sprinkling it in here and there as well as combining sentences can cut down on the number of times you used the pronoun. I'd have loved to hear the pastor's prayer because not everyone knows how to pray and using dialog like that pulls the reader in more.
I'm not sure of her age, but formulaic seems like a word not many kids would use.
I think my favorite line is It's probably a God thing. It really helps me feel like I know her personality and can relate to her. I think it's great that "it" doesn't need to be dissected, she just accepts it's a God thing. I need to do that more often. I find myself searching for answers instead of just having aith. This is a great message and you truly touched my heart.
04/12/19
This touched my heart!
Thank you...
WOnderful job,
Blessings~
I like how you came full circle- she felt like she was too young to be used by God, yet after the retreat, she felt ready willing and able!