The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
03/14/19
Awww...What a beautiful story, loved this entire heartfelt entry.

Loved the ending...

Thank you for sharing,

Blessings~
This is a sweet story. I could feel the suspense build as I read the first couple lines. You did a fine job of developing the characters. Some parts could use some tightening. For example, instead of the over-used small talk, try a verb like chatted, jabbered, gabbed, or even kibitz. I also spotted a tiny typo: elder's hair needed an apostrophe. Instead of telling that the youngster seemed taken with stuffed toy, show what that looks like. Perhaps something like this: The youngster wiggled out of her Mom's arms; her eyes fixated on a stuffed toy. She grabbed the penguin from its perch and cradled it in her arms while she sang softly.
This is just a quick example meant to demonstrate how you can show instead of tell. You have some great showing points in the story already, but by adding even more, you can paint a more vivid picture for the reader by adding body language, dialog, and thoughts (in italics) of the MC. The phrase Lala land would be another great spot to switch out a cliché for actions. Maybe her eyes glaze over with tears or her smile stretches across her face while she twirls holding the penguins flippers. I want to stress you have an awesome start on showing and that's part of what makes this story good, but I believe with even more verbs that pop, you'd have an amazing story. The story flows nicely at a great pace. The ending is wonderful and shows how in helping others sometimes the helper becomes more blessed than the person being helped. Great job.
Awww, what a sweet story! Fits the topic well.
03/20/19
Congratulations on placing 2nd for Advanced! This is a really sweet story. I love how the other patron noticed the girl looking at the penguin and decided to purchase it for her, anonymously. A gift from Jesus. :)
03/20/19
I love this sweet story that shows the blessing of an act of kindness, especially when done anonymously. Congratulations on your 2nd Place.
Congratulations on ranking 19 overall. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.