The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Wow! I loved the opposite situations! The first one reminded me of a day missions trip down past our border and into Tijuana, where people lived literally in the dump. To me, the vignettes would have been better contrasted by separating them with a line, or row of asterisks, or such. Great take on the topic!
Great job with the topic.
So well done,
This is a great juxtaposition of two different lives and attitudes. My daughter used to call our house a dump...until she went to Nicaragua and saw families living in an actual dump.
I think if you go back and count how many -ly words you use, you might be surprised. Instead of lots of modifiers, try using more verbs that pop. You have some awesome popping words throughout the story for sure. Also, you might want to tighten up your writing some. For example, I might suggest an edit like this: As the first rays blazed down upon a conglomerate of hovels, Jose leaned against a bin and yawned while rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
You selected descriptive words in this piece, but not all of them are needed. Just by switching it up a little bit, you can still paint a great picture without overwhelming the reader with too many descriptions. Instead of using the word sleepily, I tried to use body language that shows that word.
I like how you use dialog and thoughts to move the story forward at a great pace. You can put thoughts in italics too, and the reader will understand they are thoughts without being told.

Overall, you have an outstanding foundation in this creative story. It made me stop and think about my blessings instead of whining about my pain. You're spot on topic in a fresh way while delivering a clear Christian message. Good job.
This story comes with a great message. Perhaps a spacer or some sort of dividing line to indicate a scene change would be helpful. I had to backtrack a bit to see whether I'd misread something when character names changed. Also, I am curious if a person can be angry and listless at the same time? Just some thoughts, otherwise as I said before, this story has a strong message. I would love to see it lengthened into something for children or teens.
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