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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: FEET (01/17/19)
Sitting in a booth across from his youngest son, Raphael Campos smiled to see that Javier was slowly, but surely turning into a fine young man. He hid a smile as Javier dipped his last french-fry in ketchup and popped it into his mouth with a flourish. His youngest had a certain unique style and that made Raphael a proud papa.

"Ready to go, Javier?"

"Yes, Papa."

They each slid out of the booth and headed out the front entrance of the downtown restaurant. It was a place that Raphael had been going since he was Javier's age. The restaurant had changed little, but the neighborhood around it had deteriorated significantly. He kept a watchful eye on Javier as they walked down the sidewalk toward the parking structure. Suddenly, Javier came to a quick stop and Raphael's defensive instincts sprang to life.

"What's wrong, Javier?"

"Look at that man's feet. They're so dirty."

Raphael looked at an old man whose shoes had worn out long ago. The man looked up through bleary eyes that had clearly endured much pain and loss.

"I'm sorry, sir. Come, Javier."

"What'd I do wrong?"

"Come with me now."

The two of them found their car and drove home in silence. Raphael was frustrated and angry, but he wasn't sure at whom. His son didn't understand why what he had said was inappropriate and Raphael blamed himself most of all. Had he failed to impart empathy to his son? Had he failed to be the right kind of example? What had gone wrong?

"Are you mad, Papa?"

The question came as they pulled into the driveway. Turning off the car, Raphael took a deep breath, turned toward his son and replied, "no, Javier, just disappointed."

"At me?"

"No, at myself."

"I don't understand, Papa."

"Come inside and I'll show you."

They walked inside, but Raphael stopped his son and said, "go get a bowl, fill it with water, and get soap and a towel."

"Why, Papa?"

"Just do it."

Raphael sat down and waited for his son to return with the items as requested. When Javier walked in he told him, "put the bowl on the floor, and give me the soap and towel."

"Yes, Papa."

"Sit down there, take off your shoes and socks and roll up your pants."

"What's going on, Papa?"

"You'll see soon enough."

After his son had done as he requested, Raphael wet the towel, soaped it up, and kneeling before his son he began to wash his feet.

"I don't like this, Papa."

"Please let me finish, son."

Eventually Raphael had washed his son's feet until they shown clean. He then looked up at him and said, "do you understand what I've done, son?"

"No, Papa."

"There is a story in the Bible about Jesus washing his disciples' feet. He did it to show them that the greatest among them is the one who is the servant of all. He showed his love for them by washing their feet."

"Just like I should have done with that man?"

"You should have shown him, compassion, but that is my fault, son. I haven't set the right example for you and I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes, Papa."

Raphael drew his son close and held him tight. He knew that his son was a treasure from God and he wanted to care for that treasure the way that God wanted him to. Thankfully, a lesson in dirty and clean feet and in serving was a great place to start.
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This article has been read 306 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Kay Newman
01/24/19
Thank you for this teaching moment. It exemplifies compassion and caring, a father who desires to lead by example, and an act of loving and learning for his son. We should all take notice.
God bless,
Kay Newman
Jennifer Woodley 
01/26/19
A lovely story that was true to the theme of feet. Thank you. Just a tiny typo that seemed to be evident a few times. Father's comments to his son didn't always begin with a capital letter. Otherwise, great work.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
01/28/19
I enjoyed this. You pulled me in quickly by introducing the characters and creating conflict right away. When you use a tagline, keep it simple: he said or asked she. These are great to insert when the dialog is going back and forth and you need to clarify who is speaking without interrupting dialog. Remember to start the dialog with a capital letter. Another thing you could do is use body language to show who is speaking and create a mental picture at same time. For example: Suddenly, Javier halted and crinkled his nose.
Raphael said, "What's wrong,Son?"
Gagging, Javier clutched his stomach. "Ewww, disgusting. Maggots. Between his toes."

I know I took some liberties, but I wanted to show the difference between a tagline and a narrative line. I also wanted the reader to get such a vivid picture of the body language as well as the actual dialog that the scene is burned on the brain. Often seeing an example can be more effective than something simpler like Show,don't tell. I also used incomplete sentences to show it's okay to break the rules for a good reason, especially in dialog.
You do an outstanding job of using thought to develop the character as well as to move story forward. You can put the thoughts in italics, which most will recognize italics indicates thoughts.

I really thought you took this familiar idea and made it your own. I liked how the father understood he was wrong too. That's a great life lesson. With some tweaking, this could make an ideal Sunday school lesson. It has a lot of potential and I really became immersed in it.
Barbara Culler 
01/31/19
Enjoyed your story! I kind of wondered that with the names of your characters, should not the father be called "Poppi?" That is the typical name here is California. Perhaps it's a regional thing.