The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/24/19
Thank you for this teaching moment. It exemplifies compassion and caring, a father who desires to lead by example, and an act of loving and learning for his son. We should all take notice.
God bless,
Kay Newman
01/26/19
A lovely story that was true to the theme of feet. Thank you. Just a tiny typo that seemed to be evident a few times. Father's comments to his son didn't always begin with a capital letter. Otherwise, great work.
I enjoyed this. You pulled me in quickly by introducing the characters and creating conflict right away. When you use a tagline, keep it simple: he said or asked she. These are great to insert when the dialog is going back and forth and you need to clarify who is speaking without interrupting dialog. Remember to start the dialog with a capital letter. Another thing you could do is use body language to show who is speaking and create a mental picture at same time. For example: Suddenly, Javier halted and crinkled his nose.
Raphael said, "What's wrong,Son?"
Gagging, Javier clutched his stomach. "Ewww, disgusting. Maggots. Between his toes."

I know I took some liberties, but I wanted to show the difference between a tagline and a narrative line. I also wanted the reader to get such a vivid picture of the body language as well as the actual dialog that the scene is burned on the brain. Often seeing an example can be more effective than something simpler like Show,don't tell. I also used incomplete sentences to show it's okay to break the rules for a good reason, especially in dialog.
You do an outstanding job of using thought to develop the character as well as to move story forward. You can put the thoughts in italics, which most will recognize italics indicates thoughts.

I really thought you took this familiar idea and made it your own. I liked how the father understood he was wrong too. That's a great life lesson. With some tweaking, this could make an ideal Sunday school lesson. It has a lot of potential and I really became immersed in it.
Enjoyed your story! I kind of wondered that with the names of your characters, should not the father be called "Poppi?" That is the typical name here is California. Perhaps it's a regional thing.