Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: BOYCOTT (11/01/18)
TITLE: He Called My Name
By Linda Berg
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I felt the crushing weight of the world on my shoulders. I couldn’t raise my head to look at him. He was so significant. I was so unworthy.
Swinging my head side to side with great regret, I struggled to find new words. I mean - I felt it, I really did feel love for God – but I couldn’t find the words that would express my deep sorrow for not taking Him seriously.
I began to tremble – uncontrollably. Thoughts, emotions, memories of things I’d thought but more importantly did with my life flipped through my mind like a deck of cards being shuffled.
Lying. I remembered the first time I told a lie. I told my mom I had come home directly from school, when she questioned me about being late. In all actuality I went to a dollar type store and spent the money that the kid next to me had slide out of his coat pocket, while he was stooping over to gather his books from the bottom of his locker.
I had been saving and waiting so long to buy that new board game and the five-dollar bill laying right there on the floor – it was just the amount I needed to have enough to buy it.
I remember the guilt now, the guilt I felt when I allowed the truth of how God felt about stealing and lying to slip right on through my thoughts and let the desire for the game give way to those sinful behaviors.
It wasn’t the only stealing I did. No! I really didn’t want to remember all those times I let my desire for something someone else had, tempt me to steal.
Father, please forgive me.
The lies. They became almost like a habit. It was just the easiest way to get out of a predicament and it became more and more comfortable throughout my life to just tell them, so I didn’t have to live with the consequences of the truth.
I couldn’t stop the cascade of sins I was remembering. Greed, the love of money and my willingness to do anything to get it, drunkenness, sexual immorality, pride, hatred, rage, selfishness, no time for family, less time for God. Some of them were done in secret. Well, that’s what I thought.
I was remembering each ugly sin in vivid color while also feeling deep shame for not being faithful to a God that I loved and had made a commitment to when young some 50 plus years ago.
Oh, the torment of it all now. I couldn't stop the review of it. My life lived in rebellion to God. I had chosen self over Him. I felt panic and fear.
Unwillingly my body began to twist and turn trying to escape the reality of where I was and what was happening. I wanted to deny it – but I couldn’t.
I heard noise all around me. It was like the whole world grew so quiet that the silence was a great deafening noise of nothingness.
He called my name.
I felt His voice before I heard it, “not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord’, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.”
Falling to my knees in overwhelming shame for the separation I had caused in my relationship with God I wept.
“Kevin, hon, it’s time to get up. You seem to have overslept and for whatever reason the alarm didn’t go off.”
Kim. Is that Kim – my wife?
Groggy from a restless night of sleep, I felt the brush of a light kiss along my forehead as she used her favorite method of waking me up in the morning.
Sitting up, I saw the covers of our bed were strewn all over the mattress, falling recklessly to the floor.
I was still alive. Not at judgement day.
I bowed my head and thanked God for the redemption I knew God had offered me years ago.
I was no longer going to boycott my Father God.
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