The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 108 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
07/20/18
What a great way to teach children about the feasts in the bible. I especially like the statement that sin is hard to get rid of. You might add the way of salvation to your story as a way of getting rid of sin. Good job!
07/25/18
This was a fun way to introduce the feasts. I could definitely see and hear the discussion of the children! Well done!
This is really sweet. I enjoyed delving into it with the family. You did a fine job of developing the characters.

You do drift into telling more than painting a picture at times by using body language and dialog, but the more you work on it, the easier it becomes. For example, I might edit it like this: As Shannon budged her little brother out of the way, she lifted her chin upwards. “I know! I know!” Shannon jumped up and down while waving her hand in the air.
Likewise that next paragraph might weigh the reader down a bit. One way to fix it might be make it part of the dialog. After describing leaven, have one of the kids ask why they are doing it and have the Mom's answer be part of that long paragraph of backstory:
Mom scooped the kids into her lap. "Well I thought it might be fun to explore some of the feasts from the Bible. Since Easter is coming up, Daddy and I thought we'd act out what happened during Holy Week."

By adding dialog and using kid-friendly words, this could turn into a great story for kids too. I might have each story focus on just one feast at a time though so it doesn't feel rushed and so the reader doesn't mix up the different feasts. My favorite line in the story is when Sean says that sin is hard to get rid of. That would make a great ending to that story, maybe with Shannon showing her knowledge by saying something like: God sent Jesus to earth to make it easier to get rid of sin, right Mom?

That line is such a great example of how kids get things way more than we know. Plus it left a huge smile on my face. You did a fine job of writing on topic, delivering a powerful message, and making the reader think. Great job!
Congratulations on ranking 3rd in your level and 13th overall! Happy Dance!