The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/14/18
I really enjoyed how you developed the scene, conflict, and interactions between the characters.
I do have a couple of notes on the point of view ( you can check the lesson on this in the forums): it is usually better in these shorter pieces to stick to one pov and i noticed a couple of places where you jumped around. Since it is mostly being told from Elizabeth's pov, I found it odd to see her parents being referred to by their first name. This next comment may have more to do with my own understanding, but I've always thought of the word, heathen, as a term used to describe those who don't know God and so it seemed strange that her non believing parents would be referring to others as heathens. Savages may have been a better word to use there.
07/17/18
I can relate to this story somewhat. My parents were upset that I was attending a Christian college as opposed to a secular college. If this story is true, I am glad they finally trusted your decision. I am not sure that parents are very easily convinced. I know mine were not, in fact they disowned me.

Maybe you could expound more on what changed their mind. Thanks for sharing. God bless!
I think you did a fine job of setting up the conflict right away. You did a nice job of using body language to describe the emotions of Mom and Dad without drifting into too many POV shifts. One slip was when Megan noticed every strain in her voice. Since the story is coming from Elizabeth's POV, the reader can only know what she knows and one can't really know what someone else noticing or thinking. A way to fix it would be to use body language like this: Mom reached out and slipped her hand into Elizabeth's. While furrowing her eyebrows, Mom licked her lips. "Honey..."
The only other comment is something I've noticed in my editing lately. Alright is not a word (at least not yet, but could be if people continue to use it much like altogether), so you should make it two words all right or use another word like fine, okay, or even whatever (although in this case whatever doesn't seem to fit Mom's personality). Overall though, I think you did a great job of writing on topic and sending a good message. It reminds me of when my daughter told us she was joining the Peace Corps and going to Kosovo. I think what helped me accept it was when she said if it didn't work, she could come home early. You did a great job of developing the characters and allowing the dialog to move the story along. Congratulations on ranking 5th in your level and 13th overall. Happy Dance!