The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/07/18
This was an endearing story of mercy. Good job with the character descriptions.

Little Note: Watch out for the verb tenses. The way you switched back and forth between present tense and past tense was a little distracting.
06/10/18
Honestly, I think the piece is better without the last paragraph. Just my opinion.
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This is a cute story. I'm not sure you needed to have the first or last paragraphs. Instead, at the beginning, perhaps describe your reaction or thoughts when she enters the church; that way you are doing more showing. The ending moral of the story doesn't need to be there either because you did a great job of showing the point of the story and the reader will deduce the moral herself, so that way it feels less preachy. I also liked that the girl realized she had done something wrong, yet still needed an adult to guide her. If you were ever to write this as a lesson to kids, this is a vital fact to remember. I did enjoy it and it made me smile.