The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/30/17
Congratulations on your 4th place finish in the Advanced category, Art.

Sleepovers can sometimes be a challenging event.
This is a sweet story. I could easily picture the harried superhero trembling in the midst of a gaggle of girls.

I have some nitpicking to do. First be careful about POV shifts. Since it's told from the Dad's POV, the reader should only know what he sees, hears or thinks. One shift was the daughter noticing the microwave. You could fix this by showing instead of telling. For example: Rex noticed Loretta's face scrunch up as her eyes focused on the microwave. Since she was experienced in keeping her parents' secrets, Rex knew she'd find a way to distract her friends.
Bowing her head and folding her hands, she said, “Let's thank the Lord for our food.”

Also, if Mom was called away on an emergency, would she have time to whip up pancake batter? (I said I was nitpicking. I'm sure with her superpowers, it would be doable, but it did make me stop and think.)

My last advice is to hyphenate words that are joined together to make a modifier (silver-dollar-sized). It will cut down on your word count too, since most counters count hyphenated words as just one word.

I think you did a great job of having wild girls be the centerpiece of the topic. I enjoyed the story and it made me smile. Congratulations on ranking 4th in your level and 16 overall. Happy Dance!