The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You have a nice foundation here. Your message is an important one for sure. I think maybe you tried to put too much into the story. That often happens with true stories. Facts are so important in our heads, but the reader doesn't need them all. I was a bit lost when you switched from the vivid details of the barrel race to Bear being grown up. I wasn't sure what happened to Nut or the importance of the little sister. It's possible I'm just a bit slow this morning. You have a lot of good things in here though. I think if you tweak it a bit, it'll be an incredible testimony. Keep writing. I'd also urge you to read and comment on as many entries as possible.
After rereading, I think I figured out where my confusion came from. This line is hard to understand:
Her little sister and Bear hung out. When our younger daughter married Bear and her brother came to her wedding, showing up the night before at the rehearsal dinner.
Just by tightening it up some, you could help with the need to reread. For example: When our younger daughter married her sweetheart, she invited Bear and her brother to the wedding.
(Also a comma after the phrase When our younger daughter married, would make it easier to understand too. Otherwise, the reader might think she married Bear.)
It's a tiny thing, but being able to tighten your writing will launch you from a good writer to a fantastic one. Keep at it and don't get discouraged.