The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/27/17
This was a great entry...with a happy ending...and a good reason for texts!

Blessings~
05/27/17
Addendum:

It was "sad" and awful for the mom who lost the child...I meant "happy ending" that the other person would live on through her child.

So good story, poignant, sweet and bittersweet at once.

Good job!

Blessings~
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 13 overall. (See message boards). Happy Dance!
I really enjoyed the meat of this story. You did a great job of pulling me in. I was eager to keep reading.

It was a bit hard to understand who was who at times. One way to fix it would be to use Mom and Dad instead of names. Also make the kids' dialog a bit more realistic. Example: "Seriously!
After bugging me for years about texting at the table--" Rolling her eyes, Carol glared at her parents. "You know, overall, you guys hit the jackpot. I'm a great kid, on the honor roll, an awesome pianist with a voice to match! And you try to play reverse psychology with me. What gives?"
(The last part is showing not telling and eliminates the need to have that aside, adds to her personality, and eliminates the contradiction of the of being valedictorian white while still in high school.)

I almost missed the transition from dinner to her leaving.

I think you nailed the topic in a fresh and interesting way.
I didn't see the ending coming at all. My only critique on that is the mom would be more distraught.

Overall, the ending did take me by surprise, which doesn't happen often. I also enjoy the enjoyed the awkward texting. You did a great job.