The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/31/16
You make many valid points. There are areas where your wording could be tightened.

One such example is this sentence. "But this trust was broken after Adam was lured to eat of the fruit which God forbade him and Eve to eat."

You could have ended the sentence after "forbade" and the same message would be conveyed.

There are other opportunities where you can tighten up the words, and get the point across, without excess wordiness. I hope this makes sense.

Keep writing. Your story is good.
08/03/16
A wonderful story about trust and God's creation. There were a few type-o's in the last few paragraphs, but you probably caught them. Good job on the various themes of trust and being on target.