The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/26/16
A sad story, with tragedies in the end.

A few tips for you.
1. Add blank lines between paragraphs making it easier to read.

2. Use a spell checker. It seems to be part of every computer. You have several misspelled words.

3. Use more punctuation. It was not easy to grasp what I was reading, and I had to reread because commas were missing, or periods.

You have a flare for telling a story. Keep working on it.
05/27/16
Compelling story. Red ink: spacing, punctuation, and for me the computer was so incidential to the story that it barely managed to be on topic. Also, I felt the conclusion was an add on as the moral of the story was not demonstrated in the story.
05/27/16
You definitely have a gift for writing. Proper spacing, punctuation and spell check would make this piece like gold. Keep up the GREAT work.
God Bless
05/30/16
I echo what the previous critiques mention about adding space, but I thought your descriptions were good in your story. I also appreciate your message about how drugs can destroy a life. Keep writing!
You have the makings of a great story--interesting characters, passion, conflicts, and a powerful lesson.

The main thing I would urge you to do is tighten up your sentences to allow more room for telling the story. For example, you could do something like this: A sixteen-year-old boy saunters into a Pedro Ban pawn shop and yanks a gun from his waistband. With a trembling hand, he points the weapon at the owner and shouts,
"Dame el dinero! Cada centavo!"
Engrossed in his computer, the owner doesn't notice the gun until the kid pounds it on the desk.
Licking his lips, the owner sighs and stumbles to his feet.

I tried to tighten it up and add some body language as well. I also used hyphens to combine several words into one adjective. While the descriptions of the items in the store add details, they don't necessarily move the story ahead and are common items in a pawn shop, so I left them out, giving you more words to resolve the conflicts and describe the importance of the computer.

I think your message came through quite nicely. In fact, you did such a good job of showing how drugs can mess up not just the user, but an entire neighborhood that you really don't need that last paragraph either. You've got a great start in this story, and I think your words will touch people in ways you might not expect. Keep writing and read and leave comments on other stories too. I feel your passion and think you have wonderful potential.
05/31/16
Excellent!

Blessings~