The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
04/14/16
This ends with a heart warming message. My red ink suggestion is to watch carefully your verb usage. For example: In the 1st sentence where you write "filled the room", It's unclear how she did that. Did she pour perfume all over the place or did she spray the air?
Also, when you use "careened" to describe his driving, it sounds like he was driving out of control. Hope that helps.

I did love reading your story.
God Bless
04/14/16
I like your story. Your characters are real and believable. Your dialogue is good and moves the story along.

Good job.
I like how you have shown God has made us different in our "range of socialability". Both are good and both are correct. It is how God has made his creations. It is us to each of us to find our place and fulfill God's will for us as he has made us.

I liked what you wrote and your writing style.
04/16/16
Beautiful. This was an easy and enjoyable read.

Well done.

Blessings~
04/16/16
Great job of showing us an introvert living in the world of an extrovert. I loved how you boiled it down to the sounds. The loudness of her activities and the quiet of Ben sitting with the other men. You set this tone very early on with the "clopping" of her heels down the hall to Ben sitting and reading in the living room. It was a subtle background that said it all--it wasn't even necessary to use the words extrovert or introvert because you showed it to us so well.

This is an excellent piece that drew me in and, almost before I knew it, the story was over and I wished for more. Great job!
04/16/16
A real slice of life piece. You stayed on topic and the story flowed. The wife seemed to be the alpha character in the story but it was written with the husband as the MC, I think. Anyway, it was a nice, dynamic and hit true in a lot of places. I enjoyed my time reading your entry. A very good job.
This story flowed well and the dialogue was very believable. I liked the two different perspectives of each character.
04/20/16
I very much enjoyed your story. The characters rang true and you showed the extrovert and introvert personalities very well. A tiny 'red ink' comment: perhaps the tenses in these 2 places would have read better this way (suggested changes in brackets). ...Ben hadn’t moved (didn't move) from his spot near Sam ... AND ...“Happy Birthday” was sung (They sang Happy Birthday).... But, very well written!