Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: REDUCE (11/05/15)
TITLE: The destruction of hating
By alan kane
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All my life I have felt unloved and unworthy of affection. My first marriage was a sham. Although both were at fault, I took all the blame. I drove my wife into the arms of another woman. I was just not a good enough husband. She would say that it was like living with a third person. Some malevolent spirit was always lurking unseen in our marriage.
Lord, why did I love my wife so much? I was told it would never last, that it would end in disaster. Well, my mother, like usual, was proved right.
God, why did you leave me? I was under the impression you were a God of love, and I loved my wife.
Well, God, you wouldn't help me to be worthy of you, so I went and found help. Gradually I worked on my problems, went to specialist counselling. Wasn't cheap at all, but I met a new friend at a group session.
So you see, God, I didn't need you. We moved in together worked well for six months but unfortunately didn't work out. I wanted to improve myself and she wanted to remain as she was. I still miss her but I must become a better person, just like my mother said. My mother told me as a child that I was a bad boy for not trying hard enough.
God, maybe I should’ve listened when my partner kept telling me I was a good enough; if anything I was too good. But I proved her wrong: I wasn’t good enough. I must try harder. I must reduce the badness that is me.
God, I know I shouldn’t have such bitterness, but I hate my mother!
God, my first introduction to you was my mother saying, “God only loves good boys who do what their mothers say.”
Last week I received a phone call from the nursing home. My mum was very ill. I couldn't go – I wouldn't go. I was terrified she would call me a terrible disappointment again. I would rather not see her than to cause her such pain.
I know I should feel remorse, but actually I felt released from a tremendous burden when told my mother had died.
I haven’t seen my mother in five years. We had such a huge row over my marriage. Even as a grown man, I was a cause of pain for her.
God, please tell my mum I’m sorry for causing her so much pain. I’m sorry that I was never the son she wanted.
I’ve just left the solicitor dealing with my mum's estate. I was given a letter addressed to myself.
God, I don't want to open this letter.
“My dearest, (strange address from my mum; she was never that affectionate.)
I need to start this letter with an apology. (That’s a laugh! She never apologized in her life.)
I was wrong. I put a tremendous burden on you that was not yours to have. My parents forced me to excel, to become a doctor. I always wanted to be an actress. I should never have imposed on you my own parents’ foibles. I was not a good mother. It has haunted me that I have caused you so much pain.
Please accept my apology, I know it will not take away what I did to you, but please remember this. You are a lovely, special man who has a lot going on in his life. You have a loving heart, and is a wonderful person. Stop trying to be good enough – you cannot be. I discovered this at the church where I became a Christian.
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. The only way we can be good enough is not by reducing all our sins until we are worthy to come before God but by accepting we by nature are corrupt and need salvation by the death and resurrection of Jesus.”
God, all these years I have allowed a deadly poison to destroy all that was good. I should’ve been friends with my own mother – now she is gone.
God, help me to move forward. No more reducing my life; it’s time to start living it.
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