The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 311 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
10/08/15
This is a powerful story. You're beginning is great however, you used the topic word zest twice in the first paragraph and again at the end. You've written this well telling a very difficult story. So many times things like this sadly go untold. You have a wonderful voice for writing. Thank you for sharing.
10/08/15
I'm glad for the bright future. Sad this sort of thing happens so often. You know when people get married, they don't plan for their lives to turn out this way. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck in the Challenge!
This is a powerful story and I would guess it's based on real life. It's so important to write and talk about these issues so that people are aware and know what to look for.

Your story is pretty much all telling. I'd urge you to mix it up some and add some dialog and body language. Because you started off with the kids, I had trouble figuring out who the MC was right off. You could fix that too with more showing. For example, I might edit it something like this:
My daughter and I sat on the porch watching her five kids play in the waves. Pointing at them, I put my other hand into my daughter's. "It's nice to hear them laugh and jump in the waves. They know their father can't hurt them here."
My daughter's eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe it got this bad. If I hadn't seen Sue cuttung--" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

That isn't perfect, but I hope it shows a way to gradually add details that are important while painting a picture for the reader.

You did a nice job of working on the conflict right out of the box. Jan's Writing Basics in the forums has a great lesson right now on conflict. There is definitely a couple of conflicts in this piece. Some were resolved and some left open ended. I like stories that end like this. It allows the reader to end the story the way God guides her. This type of story is perfect for allowing the Holy Spirit to work in everyone who reads it. I've no doubt that God has plans for this storystory. It will touch people in many ways, ways you might not even expect. Perhaps the Spirit will open the eyes of a husband who will get help after reading this. I know this couldn't have been easy to write, but you did a great job of it.
10/10/15
This was such a powerful and moving entry in content and delivery. Excellent job, thank you for sharing this with us.

God bless~
10/10/15
Shann hall thanks for your comments, there is no fiction in this story, the family returned the night before I wrote it, I was still feeling raw. We are praying that relocation permission will be given and they will return to us soon.