The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/08/15
I'm so sorry about your father. And I'm so glad you have good memories. God knew what he was doing when he created us with the ability to remember. Thanks for all your hard work, and for sharing. Good luck in the Challenge.
10/08/15
This story is so precious and yet so sad. I am so sorry for your father's death. This was an abrupt ending I wasn't expecting. God Bless you and thank you for telling your story.
This is a powerful story. I liked the way you took me back to that little girl yearning to have her Dad love her.

My main red ink would be to do more showing and less telling. Your opening paragraph is all backstory that could be sprinkled throughout the story. Try using more body language to pull the reader in. For example, you could do something like this: In sixth grade, my school sponsored a coloring contest. The teacher handed me the book, and I wrapped my arms around it as I ran home. Maybe I'll color the best picture, and finally, Daddy will be proud of me.
As soon as Daddy came home from work, I sprinted to his side, thrusting the book into his hands. "Look, Daddy, the winner of the contest gets a pair of skates. How cool is that?"
Daddy patted my head, then plopped down on the floor and motioned for me to join him.


I know it's not perfect, but I wanted to show you how thoughts (in italics) body language, and dialog can help the reader learn the back story while developing the characters and conflict and moving the story along.

I really enjoyed the interaction between father and child. At times my heart ached for the MC, but most of the time I found myself smiling and nodding. I think you touched on the topic a little bit, but didn't totally immerse it in the story, which isn't always easy to do). I definitely could see the excitement in the little girl and I liked how Daddy became involved because it was important to her so it was important to us. That's even more true about our relationship with God. You did a great job overall and I enjoyed it.
10/10/15
My heart ached upon completion of your story. This was a poignant and powerful read. Thank you for sharing this well written and moving entry.

God bless you~

"So sorry for the way your dad left this world..."
10/11/15
This story touched me because it makes me sad that even then, how much she knew about her dad and how much she needed his approval. You can tell in her writing how her childhood affected her, even now as an adult. Her writing is special because of this.
I enjoy all her stories.
10/11/15
This was a poignant story, and the emotions expressed caused me to feel the same things as I read. I saw a number of errors on the technical side, so more proofing would help. Also more whitespace would make it easier to read.
10/15/15
I'm glad you got to see the heart of your father before his tragic death.