The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
09/03/15
Very interesting and thought provoking entry. It held my attention from start to finish.

Well done.

God bless~
09/04/15
You certainly capture the frustration and irritability of your main characters.
09/04/15
I think it's called menopause because often it offers men a pause before we start firing off unnecessary verbal ammunition.
I agree that you have captured the mood and tensions very well. Great work.
09/04/15
Great article! Definitely entertaining.

I especially like how you describe the husband's tone of voice and actions: Tom preaches in a wiped-out, aggravated tone; he barks; Tom huffs; he breathes out like a fire eating dragon ...

Both your main characters are relatable. Thanks for entering, love Nicki xx
I have to say I felt a lot of sympathy for Vivien! I thought your descriptions were very well done and a clever take on the topic. Great piece!
09/09/15
A most enjoyable read. I'm glad they didn't get charged extra. My only reddish ink is - maybe Vivian could be sitting down looking exhausted rather than watching the news at the end. But, great writing.
I really enjoyed this story. You did a nice job of developing the characters and using dialog to move the story along.

My main red ink would be to use narrative lines instead of taglines like he said. When you do use the taglines, keep it to the simple ones like he said or she asked. It's hard to speak while laughing, crying or roaring. Also, stay away from clichés like roared like a dragon. Instead show what your MC looks like when he's angry. To give you a idea of what I mean, I'll show you how I might edit a part of it.


“I’m coming. Hold your horses,” Vivien squats down to look under the bed. ”Have you seen my phone charger?” Standing up, she throws her hands into the air. “What about my purse?” Her eyes dart around the room, surveying any potential hiding spot. I don't know why things go missing, especially when Tom having a snit.

With his hands on his hips, Tom keeps the door open by kicking it whenever it threatens to close on his foot. The vein on his red forehead pulsate. "Good heavens..."

Your dialog was quite good and really gave me a glimpse into both characters' personalities. I think you did a nice job of building the suspense. The pacing of the story was perfect too.
To me, the ending felt a bit forced. I like the idea of saying they'd charge him, but perhaps leave it open-ended. When Tom starts yelling, have Vivien blush, walk away like she isn't with him and think something like I don't know why he gets so agitated. You'd think he was the one going through menopause.
That's not perfect, but something like that shows how she is somewhat oblivious, and it's good to end with some subtle humor. Let the reader wonder if he ended up being charged or not. If you do it right, an open ending can be more rewarding than wrapping things up too fast.

I think you did a great job of writing on topic. Even if I didn't know what the topic was, I would be able to guess. That's not always easy to do, but you did it like an expert. I really enjoyed this delightful piece.